IELTS Task 2 - Everyone should stay in school until age of eighteen. Agree or disagree?

I am preparing for my IELTS test next week, my weakness is writing section because in the last test I only got 5.5 score. I need to gain more score. Please give me some corrections and comments.

Topic: Everyone should stay in school until age of eighteen. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

For these few years, government has implemented regulation concerning education. It is widely known that proper education should be started since ages seven then students can graduate from school at ages eighteen. Proper education is important preparing teenager before they pursue higher studies or being skilled worker.

First of all, education plays an important role for improving the quality of life, such as prepare for working career. Secondly, the requirement of skilled work is not only having basic education but higher studies are needed. However, education between ages sixteen and eighteen is crucial due to school provides moral and social education as teenagers have many temptation and unstable emotions. Moreover, teenagers can have benefit from school framework, which make them more responsible and able to help build a stronger society.

On the other hand, basic education cannot be applied for everyone as not everyone is having academic skills. There is another option for helping them with vocational training, which can provide practical training and skills so they are prepared for working. This training will help them to be mature more quickly and also they are free to make own life decisions. For instance, teenagers whose skills are with machine, they can focus studying machine practically, then after graduation they can choose to work or open their own business.

I agree that everyone should be encouraged to stay in school but it would be a mistake to make this compulsory as different people have different needs and abilities. Therefore, there are another possibilities of other forms of vocational training as another solution.

mayaRa
1. the question was "agree or disagree?", and this is what you should answer in the first paragraph.
2. As you didn't say your agreement or disagreement, your body paragraphs have no purpose. it is not clear that you are supporting what, in you bodies.

3. you can take examples in you 1st body para.
4. your 2nd body para. is good but you could have started it like " on the other hand, although basic education at school benefit individuals, it can be also impractical for those who are not academically skilled enough." and then support it with further explanation and examples.

5. you can add in short, in summary, in nutshell, all in all and etc in the beginning of your last paragraph.
6. you need to explain about the second solution "Therefore, there are another possibilities of other forms of vocational training as another solution. " cause it seems to be vague in this way.

The best way to aim for a better score is to follow an appropriate essay structure that helps you earn marks as well as manage your time at the exam. You should keep practicing writing with time following that structure. I have given you the structure that you should follow for your introduction.