IELTS TASK 2 on Extreme activities - people take up dangerous sports for diverse reasons

Hi there, thank you very much for your time, I wrote this paper and I really need your feedbacks

Why do people risk their lives for irrelevant activities?

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Many people now undertake extreme activities, from hang-gliding to mountain climbing.
Why do people risk their lives in this way, and do you think this is a good trend?
Give reasons for your answer, and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
You should write at least 250 words.
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The performance of thrilling sports has become widespread among the global population, which is considered to impose a threat to people's lives. Various reasons have been put forward to explain for the surge of the trend and I am in favor of those who advocate this positive new trend.

Although extreme activities involve risk, they are by nature a type of exercise that makes improvements to physical and mental state. It has been studied that these activities require the cooperation of different bodies part as they are mostly cardiovascular workouts, which would burn a large amount of calories and increase people's endurance. For example, mountain climbers need both the strength of their arms and contraction of their legs to climb up the peak, a practice that increases their heart beats, allows better bloodflow and helps to lose weights. Aside from physical benefits, these sportplayers may want to improve their mental health when they are forced to be courageous to face and finish their challenges which are different from their daily experience. Mega Zipline in Singapore, for instance, is the most favorite activity throughout South East Asia not only for the breathtaking of forestry views but also the fulfilment at the end.

In my opinion, the participation in this type of sports should be encouraged to be developed further as it represents people's creativity towards entertainment and push them out of their own limits. Despite dangerous to certain extent, these novel activities show how people figure out new way to utilize equipments, tools around them, the repeatition of such discovery may bring the additional safety and excitement. Rock walls, for example, are built up with different shapes and sizes for people of all ages to join. In addition, as these practice carry danger, they take people out of their own comfort zone and realize their potentials regarding various aspects.

In conclusion, people take up dangerous sports for diverse reasons, some of which are benefits gained for their health. I strongly believe that the encouragement of these would contribute to a more joyful and interesting lifestyle

Time : 36' writing + 15' preparing
Word count : 340

I am ready to receive any comments, thanks a lot

@joypham
Welcome to the forum. Here is my feedback!

Generally speaking, I find that there's nothing substantially wrong with your writing. You had a concise formatting for your writing, which made it easier to comprehend certain areas that were a bit perplexing. I do find, however, that you can still improve in your writing if you focused a bit more on removing the redundant parts of the text that you could have done well without. For example, in your first paragraph's second sentence, it was quite clear that you could have phrased it in a way that would have made it more concise.

Try to avoid starting your paragraphs with "although" because it lowers down the formality of your writing. On top of this, I would recommend that you extend your conclusion a bit more given that you're still lacking that analytical tie-up to make your writing more extensive at the very least.

I could say that you have an organized essay on your writing since I could follow the flow of Idea. However, I still somehow question of some general Idea that is not supported enough with some illustrations or example. Thus, for some ideas which has similar meaning can be shorter in a brief sentence while the main idea can be narrowed.

Hope it is helpful