Ielts writing about the fallen of teachers in the near future

a dream of being a teacher

For many years ago, teachers was considered to be the most noble and extremely important to be replaced occupation.But legend has it that '' Nothing lasts forever'', recently, the satistic of people who intend to be part of the educationcal system seems to be decreased, particularly the number of people want to teach in secondary school.This essay is going to draw some causes and resolutions for this major problem.

Let's start the essay with the prior reason:salaries. Salary is the base thing that all workers concern about obviously rather than others benefits.Apparently, Vietnamese people. particularly teachers, all agree that teachers are not paid equitably,lots more lower than expected,especially those work in secondary schools as they are not as needed as highchools teachers due to upcoming university's assessments.Hence, I think governments should offer more benefits such as :out-door activities in summer vacation, pay rises,better insurrances,.....

Secondly, The innovation of technologies have little by little been atracting not only the recent generation but also our future ones.Besides having high incomes,it is also loved by gorgeous attainments,clarificationally artificial inteligence, robots, virtual realities,further more online courses that no one need a tutor anymore. This problem seems impossibly to be solved but united, educational system in each countries has to be up-to-date to the curren civilization and makes changes suitably in order not to be antiquated.

Thirdly, People find it uncomfortable to obey various of rules such as : intergrity, manner, moral, humanity,........which makes them feel they are no longer being themselves. So i thinks this problems come from people who don't want to be controled by rules, so the best solution here, i suggest,is to make those know the importance of teacher which can't be doubt that without teaching in the correct way,human is no longer has the ability to use their abilities efficiency.

Overall, The number of people who has a dream as being a teacher has falled significantly.This is not only because of the poor pay but also each person thoughts.In my opinion, we have to pay more attention on the fallen of interactive education so that we could give out the suitable resolution to preserve it.

Hi, here are my suggestions:
As for gramar and vocabulary, you made so many mistakes which can be listed as:
-Grammatical mistakes. The basic ones such as teachers was, i thinks,... You also have problem with structuring sentences, they are quite elusive and not concise.

-Bad word choice (there are actually some words that do not suitably fit in the context)
As for the content:
-I think the requirement for the essay should be "causes and solutions" rather than "causes and resolutions". "Resolutions" makes no sense here.
-I suggest dividing the essay into 2 paragraphs for the body (one for causes, and one for solutions). Since you batch them and write in run-on sentences, they are badly-developed that makes no persuasiveness and clarity.

-Be careful of using punctuation

You shouldn't write " Let's start" in IELTS test because this is informal

The discussion structure for this essay requires only a 4 paragraph presentation:
- Paraphrase + Discussion reason enumeration
- Reasoning Discussion 1
- Reasoning Discussion 2
- Discussion Restatement

It should not need to be more than 290 words or 25 sentences in total. Any more than that and you have over-discussed the essay, removing your focus from the content and clarity of your discussion, and allowing errors to remain in your presentation. That will happen because you only have 40 minutes to write this task and you spent it all presenting reasons, not leaving time for you to edit and perfect the essay before submission.

The most immediate problem with your essay is your improper use of punctuation marks. Ellipses (...) are never used in academic writing as these do not truly help to illustrate your discussion. Those are mostly used for illustrative purposes in creative writing presentations. You cannot use 2 successive punctuation marks either. If you use a comma, you cannot use ellipses after. If you use a period, you cannot use a comma right after. These are general errors that you should have seen and corrected before considering the essay finalized in content.