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[IELTS task 2 essay] Should we first explore our own countries? Discuss?


sophie789 7 / 11  
May 23, 2012   #1
It is said that travel broadens the mind. What can we learn by travelling to other countries? Should we first explore our own countries? Discuss?

Living in the globalisation age, people nowadays are becoming familiar with an accelerating trend in transnational travel. The argument that travellers, before spending time on exploring other countries, initially should discover their own countries has been embraced by more and more people. Others, however, claim this allegation is flawed as many outstanding merits offered by foreign travel. My essay will analyse advantages of both domestic and overseas travel, then the preference is shared.

There are several excuses in favour of domestic travel first. The principle argument might be to demonstrate a great honour for the homeland. To the land where people were born and bred or even experience most of the lifetime, a fully comprehensive understanding is essential. Perhaps no shame is more deep than the act of standing silently by while receiving a few nation-related questions from a foreigner notwithstanding a vast source of knowledge about other different countries you possess. What is so-called ethnic conscicousness? Admittedly, each individual is a citizen of the globe but first and foremost they are derived from their motherland. That is, they better should genuinely perceive their own national geography and culture first. Plus, only when indigenous inhabitants deeply know about their countries, as an initial way to denote the ethnic pride, do they get high respect from foreginers. Believing that this can assist to boost their beloved nations to a new position in the international arena in terms of multi-fields.

On the contrary, some people tend to prefer transnational travel for many redeeming features. Firstly, as there goes a saying "Travelling forms a young man", oversea travelling is of great educational value. There are precious lessons that people would never get if they travel around their countries solely. For example, only by setting foot on other countries, did Minh Tri absorb the crème de la crème of those and thus find out the way to reform Japanese education. The second overwhelming advantage to note is a sense of the real experience. As technology booms at a staggering speed, it is believed that with just one click of the mouse, everyone can easily access to a wide variety of places worldwide, seeing lively pictures and diving in vivid sounds. Nonetheless, seeing is believing, right at home how can you truly immerse yourself in the myth of London fog or savour all the grandeur of the Great Wall in China? In other words, overseas travel bestow upon us some outstanding merits that domestic one could not.

As illuminated above, either domestic or transnational travel has its own beauties. Nevertheless, I take my own stance that foreign travel should take a back seat. Knowing well about your home country first, you will have a solid foundation and strong confidence to step outside the world.

ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
May 23, 2012   #2
Hi,
I reviewed you essay, and I found out that the structure of the essay is not suitable
In the introduction you did not mention what the first part of the topic asked. as a part of the introduction you should reword the topic and you should cover all parts of it.

This topic is a "multiple question" type. the structure of an essay for this type should be like what I wrote below:

1. Introduction (Motivator+reworded topic+ blueprint)
Body
2. Answer to the first question (in this case you should state what we can learn through traveling in general. e.g. Learning about various cultures (a way for overcoming ethnocentrism), the main souvenirs of a place, learning about the diversification of accents and dialects of a country, and the like

3, Answer to the second question (the topic asked "should we explore our countries at first?. You must decide that you agree or disagree with this statement. If you agree, you should write that people should first travel to the different parts of their countries, and then support what you claim by several reasons and examples.if you think this is not a good thing, you should say that "Some say people should travel to the different parts of their countries. However, it can have some negative aspects which make it inappropriate idea." then explain about the negative points and support them.

4. conclusion (restate the first paragraph, give your own idea (you can also give your idea as a separate paragraph in the body) , And at the final part of the conclusion writ an ending statement called clincher)


Be careful about the organization of your essays. The use of an appropriate structure for an essay is even more important than vocabulary and grammar.

I hop this helps

Regards
Ahmad
OP sophie789 7 / 11  
May 23, 2012   #3
Actually, I also thought about what you've said while writing.

- What can we learn by travelling to other countries? ---> I answer this part in the second paragraph: " There are precious lessons that people would never get if they travel around their countries solely. "

- Should we first explore our own countries---> I answer it in the conclusion: I take my own stance that foreign travel should take a back seat

And about the reasons why i'm in favour of domestic travel first, I write in the first paragraph.

I'm not sure it can be accepted with this structure but I still wrote like that.

Thank you so much for your recomendations! I'll pay more attention to the structure as you said.
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
May 23, 2012   #4
Hi, If you write in this way you would get the band score of 5 in writing. You should write in a way by which a reader be able to follow the topic in your essay.

Should we first explore our own countries---> I answer it in the conclusion: I take my own stance that foreign travel should take a back seat

You answered one of the main parts of the topic just in one line and in the conclusion. This is really strange. If you want to be successful in the IELTS test you should change your style in writing.

Any way this is your decision, you can continue this way.
Good luck
Ahmad
OP sophie789 7 / 11  
May 23, 2012   #5
I knew that I had chosen wrong way when i read your comments, now i am rewriting my essay, thank you so much!
JCEstrada - / 1  
May 24, 2012   #6
I have made a few notes of changes you might consider underlined below:

Others, however, claim this allegation is flawed as there are many outstanding merits offered by foreign travel.

My essay will analyse the advantages

experience most of their lifetime

I would use "overseas travel" and rethink "transnational" (maybe go with "foreign")

On a personal note while I agree that travel in your own country is important there is nothing like traveling overseas to learn about yourself. I have a friend who learned English in a cheap school in Australia and said that he didn't learn nearly as much in 6 years of school as he did living abroad for three months.


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