education at 'modern' countries
Can you check my essay for Writing Task 2- IELTS
Thanks you
Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of studying abroad in the developed countries.
Moving toward 21st century, a large number of people are nowadays expressing a deeply growing concern about benefits and drawbacks of studying abroad in the high income countries. In fact, there are some who hold firmly to their belief that people should study in the developed countries. However, others argue convincingly that learning at modern countries has disadvantages. Therefore, some arguments both for and against this issue will be addressed in the following paragraphs.
To begin with, ther are two major paints for people to defend the view that studying abroad in the modern countries is useful in order to improve professional knowledge of learner. First of all, it is a well-documented fact that studying abroad plays the vital role in working environment. The most obvious example to prove is that a person goes abroad to study Master and Phd, after they graduated at modern countries, they can have more knowledge in their field and more likely to receive high salary. Furthermore, there is no doubt that international experience is considered to be an important factor to chose a work they want. For instance, the interviewers will be impressed by CV of applicant who was educated in modern countries.
On the other hand, there are two main evidences for other people to support the latter argument. First and foremost, it is commonly accepted that studying abroad in the industryalise nations has many disadvantages. A clear example being found to prove is that learning at modern countries can be seriously by academic curricurlum and expectation from friends and family. Equally important, there is no denying that studying foreign countries makes student difficult access culture in their nation their learn.
All things considered, it is my strong belief that foreign learning plays the central role in the success of future of people. Accordingly, I strongly recomend that the governments should enhance awareness in terms of the role of studying abroad in the developed countries. If this recommendation is carried out, the comprehensive development of our future generation wll be ensured."hi lo" there :) @MinhAnh, your grammar, vocab, just damnnnn so good and well make me just WOW :D, a lot of good words that really benefit me to be honest.
BUTTTTTTTTTT!There are some points that keep me irritated if i don't tell like : "In fact, there are some who..." This sentence although is good and have a variety of different good words, grammar... it's too long. You should have focused mainly on the content, i would like to fix it like:"In fact, there are some who hold firmly to their belief that people should study in the developed countries while others convincingly oppose."I once have read that "the less, the better" :). Some ppl like you may write like this can acchieve 7-8( of course without any mistakes ), but if you focus more in the content and have less abundant sentence. I think you can go beyond :D.
There are some tiny mistakes too like: "industrialized countries" while u write it wrong, and more but im lazy to list it out :D.
SO bye and good luck in your future @MinhAnh :)
Hi @MinhAnh
You're essay is well-written! However, If I were you, I would shorten my introduction like this:
... people are nowadays expressing ... countries. While some individuals argue convincingly that learning at modern countries has disadvantages, there are still some who hold firmly to their belief that people should study in the developed countries. Therefore, some arguments ...
This shorter form will help you save your time as well as make the idea clearer.
Besides, I suggest you should correct this sentence a little bit:
... studying at foreign ... difficult to access ... learn adapt such new culture and tradition from those full-fledged nations.
That's all, since you have such a great writing skill and vocabulary, hope my feedback useful for you ^^
Enjoy your good days.
@Dang Khoa
Thank you for your suggestion, you are such a careful boy that finding so hme wrong words in my essay. It is useful for me.
So I will check again my essay.
Best wish for you :">
@Wendynguyen803
It is nice of you to say so.
Thank for your feedback. It is so useful and a lot of good words that I can learn from.
Best wish for you ^^
@MinhAnh
Hi there!
I think that in terms of content and substantiation, your essay was quite sufficient and well-written. You had critical input on the topic, proving a firm stance by the end of the writing. I do think that the primary rooms for improvement would be for the technical facet of your writing.
Observe these revisions:
... people are nowadays expressing a deeply growing concern about the benefits ... in the high-income countries. ... hold firmly to their belief that ... ... learning at modern developed countries ... Therefore, some arguments both ...
Ensure that you have consistency when it comes to your descriptions. For instance, developed is not synonymous to modern and high-income. Try to prioritize your phrasing. It can be quite confusing to readers when you fluctuate between descriptive words.
Consider these as well:
... evidences for other people to in support of the latter argument. ... in the industryalise industrialized nations has many disadvantages. A clear example being found to prove is that learning at modern countries here can be seriously affected by academic curriculum and alongside held expectations from ... ... studying in foreign countries makes student ... learn. exposes a person to non-conventional educational cultures.
Best of luck in your writing as always.
@Maria
Thank for your feedback. It is so useful and a lot of great words and grammatical clause structure that I can learn from.
Best wish for you. :>
