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Franchise plays an enormous role in Indonesia


NinaJoesuf25 36 / 66 4  
Nov 28, 2016   #1
Nowadays, franchise plays an enormous role in Indonesia. This is because this activity can offer the benefit of employment opportunities and local products. Subsequently, this results in strengthening economy in this nation. Taking Baba Rafi as an example, at this present time, it has successfully built their business up to 1,200 outlets. Can you imagine how many workers that they hired?. This aforementioned evidence reveals that Indonesia has an considerably potential to evolve their franchise business due to the vast size area in Indonesia. An Indonesia Franchise Association study revealed that there were more than 500 franchise businesses. Astonishingly, this was followed by 24,400 branches of this business industry.

nda18 46 / 81 9  
Nov 28, 2016   #2
Hi ninajoesuf these are my thought towards your summary

This is because this activity can ...
[ i have an alternative sentence : Nowadays, franchise plays an enormous role in Indonesia because this activity can offer .... ]

Subsequently, this results inis strengthening economy ...
... that Indonesia has ana considerably potential to evolve...

thank you :)
akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Nov 28, 2016   #3
Hi Miss Nina...
These are my thoughts towards your summary. Actually, it is a good job, but you need small improvement. You have to know pronoun what you should use. After that, order proper linking words to make your move smoother. Make sure what you write is what in your mind. You prioritize to harness the present perfect if the circumstance you mind still happens.


This is OPINION HAS APPEARS because this THE activity can offer the BRING SOME benefitS of employment ...
Subsequently, this ITS resultsin IS strengthening economy SECTOR in this nation.
..., at this present time, it HE(Please, you pick up proper pronouns to describe what you mind) has successfully built ...
... potential to evolve their THE franchise (...) size OF area in Indonesia.
Astonishingly, this TREND was followed by ...

Keep Writing
GOOD LUCK
:D
OP NinaJoesuf25 36 / 66 4  
Nov 28, 2016   #4
@akbarmappiare Thank you Mr. Akbar for your feedback. Well, the reason why I put "it" to refers "baba rafi" is because it is about kind of business, namely baba rafi, and it didn't refer to someone. All in all, thank you for your valuable feedback. :)
Bams17 28 / 43  
Nov 28, 2016   #5
Nowadays, franchise plays(s + agreement issu, remember that singular noun always use singular verb and plural as well) an enormous role in Indonesia. This is because thisthe activity can offer the benefit ofcolocation issu the corect colocation is for employment opportunities ...

Subsequently, this results in strengthening ...

there is no verb in this sentence

Taking Baba Rafi as an example, at this present time, it has successfully ...

this is confusing sentence did you mean: take it Baba Rfi as sample, it has been successfully growing up and it had more 1,200 outlets.

I cannot give more advise because it better when you directly revise
1. s +v agreement
2. colocation
3. use conjunction to make smoothly writing.

good job!
break a leg bro


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