An opinion essay about discussing views and giving personal opinion
Some people think that all university students should study whatever they like. Others believe that they should only be allowed to study subjects that will be useful in the future, such as those related to science and technology.
Focusing on subjects they have interest in or following obligatory subjects are still the concern for university students. Some express the opinion that studying favourite subjects will motivate students immensely whereas others state that students should just study subjects which do wonders for their future occupations. From my perspectives, I suppose that there's a need for the combination of both these subjects to reach the maximun benefits for university students.
Initially, that students are allowed to study subjects they are fond of brings some beneficial aspects to themselves. As a usual, students tend to be more encouraged and motivated when doing something they are interested in, which results in high productivity. Additionally, studying prefered subjects also enriches students' knowledge, which plays a fundamental role in their future orientations.
Apart from concentrating on subjects above, students have to strive to study other ones that are relative to their future jobs. These subjects might not draw any students' attraction or interest; nevertheless, they will bring tremendous advantages to students' future preparation. It is lucid to say that these subjects which equip undergraduates with the enormous amount of knowledge with respect to diverse subjects, which supplies them with the firm basis prepared for the future occupation.
As a conclusion, that turning the focus to subjects university students are passionate about or ones that are predominantly applied to the future both brings advantageous sides. Yet, to optimize the benefits of studying, I personally think that these subjects are combined to support students' future is literally in need.
Overall, I think your essay is good, but I think there are some points your essay still doesn't have. Your two supporting paragraphs seem to not have examples. You just concentrate on your arguments but not develop them.
That's what I want to talk to you. I hope you can improve more the next time.
"Some express the opinion ..."
This sentence must have a comma before the word "whereas". That is a grammar mistakes.
"students have to strive to ..."
what do you mean when using "are relative to". It should be "related".
"These subjects might not draw ...". There is no "draw attraction". There are only "draw sb's interest" or "draw sb's attention".
"It is lucid to say that these ..."
I do not know what kind this sentence is. It's a totally run-on sentence which breaks the whole structure and degrades your score.
I would fix "... these subjects, which ... diversely subjects, which supply's them ...
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You are selling yourself short by writing just the right amount of words to meet the minimum requirement. At 253 words, you are not aiming for a higher scoring consideration within all 4 scoring considerations. You are meeting only the minimum scoring considerations with this type of writing. By writing at least 275 words, you will be able to meet the middle requirement for middle scale scoring considerations.
Additionally, you will lose scoring points because of your partial responsiveness to the writing task. The writing task instruction was: Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
There is no clear difference in the discussion point of view. The topic sentence per paragraph should indicate that you are discussing the public point of view. Right now, the discussion clearly focuses only on your personal point of view regarding the 2 discussion topics. So, your essay will be considered only partially responsive, with scores given only for the parts of the discussion that you clearly represent.
Speaking of clearly representing, you are not taking a solid stance within the discussion. By using words that connote uncertainty ( I suppose ), you are not delivering a solid opinion regarding the personal point of view discussion. As such, your lack of conviction within the discussion, based on the discussion requirements, will also result in lost points.
Some grammatical and spelling mistakes:
- ... they have AN interest in ...
- ... to reach the MAXIMUM benefits for ...
that students are ...
a usual, students ...
- ... concentrating on THE subjects ...
- ... both BRING advantageous sides.