IELTS task 2: Good exam results at school or college guarantee success in life.

Hi there...
I'm preparing an IELTS exam. In this writing, I am working with Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource and Grammar. I'd appreciate any suggestion you may have.

Question:
Do good exam results at school or college guarantee success in life? Discuss the advantages that a good education can have on your future. Do you believe that studying hard will bring a better life?

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Answer:
As a result of studying hard, some people achieving qualified exam results at school or college automatically equate with a time of economic prosperity. Although this is surely authentic, the upside of the scheme outweighs the downside.

In a level examination, students should crack the reasons for the questions and the ways in many which they happen will be discovered. Though exams do not perfectly assess a student's mental ability, they are extremely necessary, since they force students to apply their knowledge to real-life situations so as to achieve attainment. Starkly juxtaposed Japan with England and Wales, in 1960s Land of Rising Sun significantly broke superior record in terms of average mathematical exams. One of the decisive factors why this record increased was because schoolchildren after hours were sent to JUKU to have extra help and encourage them to work harder. But, can we assume spending time to study hard will outweigh the upside of the whole success?

There is a tendency from to every educational institution to expect different things from different people. One illustration is 'STUDY HARD'. The merits of working hard in college which they would take many books to detail are so numerous. Also, hard work that represents a grueling test leads to better grades. Result publishes almost 7 million college graduates on excellent grades poured into China's job market in 2013, but this breathtaking report shows the downside: this movement ironically creates the current crunch for idleness. What Jay Walker trying to sample of delights of GAKAO exam in China when speaking to TED could not be taken seriously as a broad parameter to deduce study hard is always the same boat as better life.

The volume of Indonesian youth who study abroad is getting a dramatic increase for the past few years. It is due largely to the thought of participating actively in the western education which is of more first-class facilities and graded educators could lead to a wide knowledge to ensure better future. I deliberate this idea seems dubious. As far as they could not look towards themselves, they won't be able to enhance their future prospect. They should ponder they are the only piece of equipment that needs turning in order to produce results. Regardless of having graduation, Steve jobs, was a CEO of Apple, could switch from the modest to advance way of netizens minimizing use of many devices by revealing mega design: iPad.

Ultimately, to have a better life everyone doesn't need to get better results in every school/college exams. Where possible, they should learn how to live with a thirst for knowledge, which is the vital factor.

hi, eddies


Topic : exam result guarantee success in life
Discussion : advantages good education on your future
Task :do you believe study hard will bring a better life

Let us see your intro


While it is not should be present, adding hook will be better. Further, you are not answer the prompt



This strength your opinion that examination may not bring success in life. After that you make an example case to support your opinion


.
In this sentence can I said that you want to mention that factor that increase the resut of mathematical exam is because the schoolchildren do practice in JUKU, not merely because the exam.



This sentence support the former, and strengthen reader attention because you put the main idea in the end.

The second body paragraph answer this prompt


.



In this sentence support your opinion in body para 1 that success is not caused by exam.


This is the contrary opinion with an sample example that study hard (college graduated on excellent grade) also is not exactly linear with good result. The blue is what you mentioned as the contrary opinion in this discussion paragraph.

The third body para answer the propmt


It is show from



and you give an example to support your opinion

in the conclusion
you give an conclusion conclusion signal



As a reader, I think you already answer the prompt implicitly. I suggest you to write the pronoun "I" to make side of your opinion explicitly.

What do you mean by a level examination?


... well, in my view, the exams do a little with regard to students' application of knowledge in real life situations. They promote students to focus more on the tests where as assignments get them to apply their knowledge. However, the exams encourage students to acquire and retain knowledge with them because they need to pass these exams in order to be successful in life.

.... This is not an effective hook . I find it's pretty too long and contain some inappropriate vocabulary too. :(
Make it short and simple. Then quickly get into introducing the background of the issue;
Studying hard helps one achieve good grades in school. However, whether good results always guarantee success in one's life is something controversial.