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Governments should focus on economic progress or other types of improvement are equally important?

YHLin 2 / 4  
Jul 22, 2019   #1

Many governments think the economic progress is their most important goal.

Some people, however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Some people think that governments should concern more on economic progress, but other people think that other types of improvement are equally important for a country.

On the one hand, economic progress is important because the public can earn more money when there is a significant growth on economy. Economic improvement might help companies to broaden their business and they would make more profit through this economic increasing. More profit means that people could earn more money or bonus from companies. Also, the demand of employee may increase while governments improve their economy. Companies need more employees when the business rises rapidly. As result, people do not worry about the unemployment and job satisfaction.

On the other hand, there are some important goals that governments should be concentrated on as well such as health, safety and education. Health issues are important to the public because people easily have health problems in this modern world, especially infants and the old people. It is important for governments to build a great health system for citizens because adults who earn money for their family may face more pressure if their parents or children are sick. In addition, safety of society is also important for a country. Governments improve the safety of society will cause the reduction of criminal rate, and it will make people more comfortable and satisfied in this country.

In conclusion, although the economic progress is really important, I think that governments should concern on other types of improvement such as health and safety as well.

(Just need some advice on my structure and grammar..)
Maria - / 1,098 389  
Jul 22, 2019   #2
Hello there. Let me provide you with writing feedback.

Firstly, I recommend trimming down some portions of your text. For instance, the first paragraph appears to be quite cluttered because of the composition's flow. You appeared to have a cluster of thoughts jumbled altogether. It would be nice to have decent pauses with the usage of punctuation and spacing between thought clusters.

Try to also incorporate more concrete examples along the way to assist you expounding your thoughts with more depth. Remember the diversity and dynamism are both essential blocks for writing.

If you can be clearer and more concise with your words, you'll foster a more advanced attitude towards building an academic tone.

Best of luck.
OP YHLin 2 / 4  
Jul 22, 2019   #3
Thanks for your advice!
I will try to do so

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