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Only governments and large companies can make a difference; Task 2

liv_ryu 13 / 22 6  
Jun 5, 2016   #1
Hello friends, I am learning to gain IELTS score, please give me some powerful feedback to develop my writing skill relating to grammatical errors, lexical resources, cohesion and coherence, and task response.

Individuals can do nothing to improve the environment. Only governments and large companies can make a difference. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

The responsible part is needed to bring improvement to the environment. Some people believe that people cannot lead the significant alteration and only the officers and large parties bring an enormous change for environment. Although governments and large companies are able to solve the problem in environment, individuals role are also needed to take an action.

The officers and large companies are the crucial parts to lead development to the environment since both figures have authorities to create different alteration. To illustrates, to deal with the environment problems such as global warming, it needs government introducing laws to limit emissions in which most of the emissions are produced by factories. The large companies also have to overcome this problem by attempting the proper waste circulation or filtering air emissions for the healthy environment. In spite of the tangible alterations enabling to do by government and companies yet the individuals' actions also have an enormous impact to environment.

Individuals are able to produce the favourable effects for environment. It is because humans are the key factor of all actions. The collaboration between governments and large companies and individuals are able to show the massive benefits for environment. To deal with global warming as the global problem, the attempts of creative people to innovate the new solution for overcoming this problem are required. A simple instance from the local communities in Bali, Indonesia. They offered a petition for replacing plastic bag into the renewable bag. It was the one of imperative efforts to save the earth from global warming. So, it is the huge alteration which can be done by all roles.

In conclusion, despite governments and companies coming with the first step to improve environment, the contribution of individuals in those actions produce the gigantic change for circumstance. It is essential that each part should contribute effectively for environment.

ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Jun 6, 2016   #2
Lily, I can see that you have similar problems with your previous essay, and I would like to help you for that. First, clear position is really crucial and needed in an agree-disagree essay type. You need to mention it briefly and clearly since the beginning. Second, transition of ideas from the first body paragraph to the second body paragraph is also important. I share the same opinion with salam for this one, you can add furthermore/moreover/meanwhile to smoothly relate your ideas from the first body to the second body paragraph.

With regards to grammatical errors, you are suggested to avoid composing sentence-fragment, an incomplete sentence (missing subject or verb) like this "A simple instance from the local communities in Bali, Indonesia. (missing verb)" It might look simple, but it also becomes one of the 4 essential criteria of IELTS writing, and therefore you need to avoid that. Don't worry, it doesn't mean that your essay doesn't have any plus points. Your organization of paragraph was already well-organized, and you were able to address some parts of the task. Good luck for the next practice Lily

Cheers :)

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