Unanswered [0] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

IELTS 2: Grouping students in regard to their behaviour


riteshsinha 3 / 5 2  
Jan 29, 2019   #1
Essay: Disruptive school students have a negative influence on others. Students who are noisy and disobedient should be grouped together and taught separately.
Do you agree or disagree with this view ? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from you experience.


classifying students on the basis of their behaviour



My essay for feedback:

Every student in a school are different from the other students in terms of their academics and behaviour. At the same time each of them are equal when it comes to the responsibilities of the school. A lot of school follows the concept of grouping the students as per their marks scored and specially as per their behaviour. I do that agree to this kind of classification at all.

Firstly, each student learn from the other fellow classmate. If we put them with well mannered group, there is a fair chance that there will be an improvement in terms of the ettiquette of the bad ones. I can fairly relate this to my friends back in school with absolute contrasting level of concentration on studies and manners where made to sit on the same desk in the final year. Eventually, both landed in well ranked colleges afte their high school exams. Secondly, it has been observed that the notorious students always perform their activities in group. So, making them sit in one class will only accelerate their tendency of disruption. One always needs a good example to look up to in order to get a direction in life.

In the end, we can say that classifying students on the basis of their behaviour will only plummet their scope of growth in future. At the same time, mixing them well might help in their overall development due to peer pressure. Therefore, it is absolutely necessary for the schools to not group them as per their behaviour.

gbhanjana 1 / 2  
Jan 29, 2019   #2
I am not a native speaker but few errors I can highlight in your essay so that u improve next time.

Introduction: Your opinion is not clear : I do that agree to this ...
Try to write outline statement with a small reason to your agreement or disagreement

There should be atleast two body paragraphs

Few errors highlighted below:
other fellow classmate use only "classmate" or change the sentence as something looks wrong here.
Every student... are is different
each all of them
the their responsibilities
A lot of school follows

Also, try to use multiple sentence structures in your essay

Conclusion: your opinion is not clear in conclusion
it is absolutely necessary for the schools to not group them as per their behaviour rephrase the sentence as it is confusing
Holt - / 7,529 2001  
Jan 29, 2019   #3
Rites, there are a few spelling errors in your essay. The mistakes are: ettiquette = etiquette and afte=after. There is also a subject-verb disagreement existing in your use of "are" in the sentence:

At the same time each of them are equal when it comes to the responsibilities of the school

This should follow the singular presentation using the word "is" because you used the individual count by saying "each of them". Then you neglected to use the connecting word "a" when you wrote "If we put them with well-mannered group..." The connecting word "a" should have been placed between "with" and "well-mannered" to create a more coherent presentation.

I believe that you made a mistake while typing your response sentence in the prompt paraphrase. You should have said that "I do NOT agree with..." you accidentally typed "That" in place of "Not".

Now for the bigger problem in your essay. The minimum paragraph requirement is 4 paragraphs per essay. You have to discuss the reasons and examples using at least 2 paragraphs. This essay, based on the prompt requirement, seems to require 2 reasoning paragraphs. The 2 reasoning paragraph essay could have indicated, per paragraph:

1. A reason for your personal opinion;
2. A relevant example.

Each paragraph should have only 1 discussion topic per presentation. Since you had 2 reasons, you should have presented the 2nd reason as the 2nd reasoning paragraph. That way your paragraphs would have been completely developed and clearly understood by the reader. The current presentation feels rushed and lacking in proper discussion development.

While you will not be losing points in terms of discussion considerations (you typed 255 words and are over the minimum count), it is important to produce 4 paragraphs for your presentation to gain a maximum TA score. That is where your essay would end up losing points with this type of presentation.
OP riteshsinha 3 / 5 2  
Feb 3, 2019   #4
@gbhanjana
Thank you for your assessment. I will try to improve on the points you have mentioned.


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: Grouping students in regard to their behaviour