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High competition with other people makes parents to force their children to success - a big pressure


Beauty17 56 / 88 5  
Nov 28, 2016   #1
Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

In the present time, education, social and buying or selling life give higher pressures for children than in the past. The causes of this condition are high competition with other people and parents force their children to success in those sectors. Thus, the solutions to tackle this matter are guidance from parents to give support for their child and parents together with teachers must teach them to more ready in facing life challenges.

Children are forced to think and act more mature when they face life problems. They get many pressures when they study, making friendship with other people and life with money orientation. Furthermore, certain parents ask them to get high rank at school. Also, children often find the gap in social status among students and it encourages them to have commercial perspective. Taking data from UNICEF in early 2016, Nowadays, student get 53% higher pressures from their life environment especially parents and school life. Therefore, most of them fail to face this matter and become lonely persons.

On the other hand, parents and teachers are able to handle this situation. Parents should not force their children to be the best in all parts. They must guide their children to find their favourite subjects, hobbies, and their dreams. Besides, teachers and parents must work together to teach and prepare them to become more mature and ready to life pressures with build up the strong believe in religion. Based on the data from Children International Foundation in the middle of 2016, parents and teachers have full responsibility to help children overcome many kinds of life pressures. Thus, children must be prepared for their future life by those people.

To sum up, gap in some parts of life which encourage children to stay in competition and parents who force their children to success in all aspects are the causes of children pressures. The measures to reduce this problem are parents and teachers guidance.

Holt [Contributor] - / 8,621 2516  
Nov 28, 2016   #2
Meireza, your task accuracy score would be 5. While your opening statement is a bit confusing to understand, you included some keywords and phrases in your presentation that helped the reader to somehow, come to a proper conclusion regarding the essay topic. Keywords such as higher pressures, causes of this condition, solutions to tackle this matter, all helped to create a more understandable portrait of the paraphrased prompt for the reader.

As for coherence and cohesion, you can get another 5. While the topic discussion is somewhat progressive and connected within the paragraphs, the lack of transition paragraphs to connect the two unrelated essay topic discussions held back the effectiveness of your discussion. The transition sentence could have helped a lot in creating a logical transition and line of discussion in the overall essay.

Lexical resource, is also a 5. You used enough simple English words and keywords or phrases. However, the words you used sometimes does not really apply to the discussion. However, your opinion was still understandable and somehow managed to come through the existing vocabulary problems.

Grammar range and accuracy will also fall within a 5. That is due to your limited discussion range and lack of complex sentences. The regular problems with grammar and sentence formation also affected the overall grammar presentation of the essay. However, you were still understandable to the reader, despite the stress that having to assess your paragraphs for meaning provided.
mem77 62 / 98 6  
Nov 28, 2016   #3
Dear Beauty, here some advice for your writing and feel free to correct me too!

...to be more ready in facingto face life challenges.

...makingmake a friendship with other people ...

...Nowadays, student get 53%53% of student get higher pressures from ...

Regards
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Nov 28, 2016   #4
Meireza,
Here's my analysis towards your IELTS writing task 2. I hope you can follow through.

- ...to success in those sectors. (What sectors?)
- Thus, the solutions to tackle this matter are guidance from parents to give support for their ...first, parents' guidance in order to give support for their children and second, parents-teachers collaboration in teaching children is needed to make them ready in facing life challenges.

- ...they face life problems in life .
- They get many pressures when they study, makingmake friendship with other people and life with money orientation.(what does this phrase mean? I think that your native-language has unconsciously influenced this phrase)

- Furthermore, certain parents ask them to getforce them to achieve a high rank at school.
- Taking data from UNICEF in early 2016, Nowadays,(double time signal. [early 2016 and Nowadays]) student get 53% higher pressures from their lifeliving environment...
- ThereforeAs a result , most of them have failed ...

As you can see, those two paragraphs corrections represent the whole grammatical issues on your essay. I hope that you can gain some improvements in the next practice.

Hope this helps :)
MufliHamid - / 21 7  
Nov 28, 2016   #5
Dear Beauty17
I have read your essay fully and i come up with several suggestions that i hope you should take into consideration.
First of all, you have used word 'children' excessively. It would be better to alter it with other words which have the same meaning as it. Youths, sons or daughters for example. Since it describes that you are lack of vocabulary, so please avoid repetition.

Secondly, you have to focus on how to develop the idea coherently, i mean here is the way you arrange the structures of your sentences are not looked like academic-written style. This is due to the fact that you did not put order to your sentence. The first body paragraph is the perfect example for this, it is far better if you explain the idea of academic pressure in the first, the followed by second, and third to simplify that you really arrange your sentence orderly.

Good Luck


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