High school graduates are encouraged to start working or traveling rather than entering University

continuing education or working/traveling for a year?

Nowadays in several countries, there are many young people who recently finished their high school period, decide to begin working or traveling for a year before starting university study. In this essay, i would discuss both of advantage and disadvantage before coming to the reasonable conclusion.

In the one hand, Mostly of high school graduates think, it is important to acquire many experiences from new places such as work places and traveling destination. They can actually socialize with a lot of adult and get a lesson from them. So, in that way, they understand how the mature people undergo their lives. For instance, some of these people in youth apply for a simple work in car workshops. As a result, during one year, they experience new skill such as repairing and assembling machines, in addition a lot of precious information can be collected from their mentor or colleagues about coping the life obstacles. There is no doubt that it will improve young people's life in many ways and this would not have been possible without the challenge from new environment.

However, this emotionally unstable people can easily get out of track from their academic career. because, job and journey gradually absorb them to be attached with ambition such as getting prestigious position in certain profession or enjoying endless trip. Afterward, it is hard to regain the concern about education. To show what I mean, In developing countries, many young people do not get educated at the level of universities. There is tendency to start working as soon as finishing high school whether they start developing small business or compete at the famous company employment. After they are hired, then they work hard till reaching satisfactory or impressive achievement. As the matter fact, no one can success over the period as short as one year. Consequently, their interest to enter university gradually fade away.

As the whole, I would suggest that these young generation to consider higher education as main priority, because the higher their education, the bigger their opportunity to get the highly demanded occupation later. it will be appropriate with government plan to rise the number of skilled expert in every sectors.

Hi Hadi
I think your essay is somewhat has rather equivalent arguments supporting for your each opinion
But your grammar is not quite good. You lack of "s" in many words such as: adults,destinations, mentor, ect. And you seem misusing the comma in your essay to seperate sentences, which I think is not needed like "In the one hand, Mostly ... think, it is..." or "... from their academic career. because, job ..."

Hope it helps

Abdul, the original instructions for this essay is not asking for your personal opinion. Neither does it ask you to come to a conclusion. It only asks that you state a few interconnected advantages and disadvantages to students taking a gap year before college. There is a misunderstanding of the prompt on your part which created a prompt deviation which might in turn, have a negative effect on your final score since you discussed something that was not included in the original prompt.

You may want to try dividing your opening paragraph into a few sentences instead of trying to compress all of the thoughts from the original prompt into one sentence. I makes it difficult to follow the discussion you are trying to present. By presenting short but informative sentences, you stand a better chance of clearly explaining what the original prompt was about and also, increase your ability to present complex sentences in the essay. I would have presented this as:

With several countries seeing an increase in high school students taking a gap year before college, a discussion has come up regarding its advantages and disadvantages. While this practice does have several pros and cons, not everyone is familiar with these information. That is why this essay will compare the benefits and drawbacks of this practice.

Please note how I used several varying terms for "advantages and disadvantages" in the opening presentation. This was aimed at helping to increase the LR score for the essay. It will impress the reviewer to see the degree of your English proficiency based upon your ability to say the same thing in several ways. An example of which you can see in the above paraphrase.

Again, since you are not being asked for an opinion here, you should not be saying things like "There is no doubt..." as that means you are trying to sway the reader towards a particular opinion. Since this is not an opinion essay but merely a familiarity essay, you should avoid making conclusions that might unduly influence the reader.

Don't write more than the required 5 sentences, but don't write less than 3 sentences per paragraph. The aim of the Task 2 essay is to figure out if you are able to make yourself understood using a limited number of sentences in English as you will be required to do during the formal academic year in your research papers. Keep it short but informative. Complex, but understandable instead of confusing.

thank you for the correction
It is my mistake that I don't understand the question of this essay not to include my opinion.
Can you tell me ? How about the other sentence in my body paragraphs except the opinion sentence at the end ?

@Linh Dieu Thank you for your advice

Hi Fuad, I was given special permission to come back and respond to your questions. Your reasoning is good. It shows an understanding of the prompt requirements. However, you constantly refer to your personal opinion with the word "I" when, as I told you this was not required in the essay. So references to general discussions are more appropriate such as "people, others, groups, individuals" and other similar terms.

You also have a punctuation problem use. You are constantly using commas throughout the essay when periods are required to show a separation of ideas. I realize that you may have done that in order to get around the maximum sentence requirement but it worked against your essay because it made it difficult to read and remember what you are saying. Keep your essay short and to the point. Avoid using word fillers such as "What I mean to show is.." You don't need to constantly refer to yourself. Refer instead to the actual reason for the sentence in the quickest possible manner. You can read examples of how to accomplish that throughout this forum.

Practice writing short but meaningful sentences. The best way I can think of for you to do this while you are practicing if by having you write no more than 250 words for the task 2 essays. That is the minimum word count. When you can write 250 words and still come across clearly to the reader then you have learned how to write in the expected manner for this type of test. You may write as much as 275 words but no more than that. I hope you can practice writing your essays in this manner for the time being. Focus on simple content and even simpler explanations in order to not overwrite and create confusing essay presentations.