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'the history, tradition and way of life will vanish as well' - An essay on language extinction


Yanxu 1 / -  
Mar 26, 2015   #1
Hello! I'm preparing for IELTS, just finished this essay, some feedback is much appreciated!

Every year several languages die out. Some people think that this is not important because life will be easier if there are fewer languages in the world.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?


According to a statistic done by the United Nation, Nowadays there are approximately 6500 languages spoken in the world. By the end of the 21st century, more than half of those will vanish.

This can be attributed to the natural process of globalisation, some people believe that everyone can benefit from the extinction of minority languages. In my opinion, language should be protected and preserved.

[..]

autumn_waltz 8 / 14 2  
Mar 27, 2015   #2
Hi!
Here are some edits:

It is predicted that, by the end of the 21st century, more than half of those will vanish.

This can be attributed to the natural process of globalisation, some people believe that everyone can benefit from the extinction of minority languages.
Here you have to independent sentences that should be combined by a conjunction. Otherwise, you should divide them by a period or a semicolon, like that:

This can be attributed to the natural process of globalisation; some people believe that everyone can benefit from the extinction of minority languages.

In my opinion, languages should be protected and preserved.

Admittedly, the dominance of some international languages such as English has made the communication in many fields more efficient.

Technology and international business require instant and precise delivery, and the emergence of English eliminated the time waste and confusion occurred during translation.
Again, you need a conjunction here, because you cannot combine two independent clauses using a single comma. Also, eliminated the time waste and confusion occurred doesn't sound well, so you'd better reword it :)

For example, a Chinese export company manager who areis proficient at English can negotiate directly with foreign companies

However, language is not merely a communication tool, but it has a close connection with the culture identity of the speaker.
Again - conjunction! :)

For instance, In the 15th century in North America, each Indian tribe used to have (different) its own unique language and culture.

In conclusion, although the global language provides numerous benefits to the development of many areas, the disappearance of less common languages has extremely negative influence on our cultural heritage.

Hope this helps! Good luck!


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