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Household expenditure in Hong Kong and Britain - charts give the breakdown of the percentage

The prompt say: The pie charts below show average household expenditure in Hong Kong and Britain in the year 2000

domestic spending in Hong Kong and Britain

The two different charts give the breakdown of the percentage of domestic spending in Hong Kong and Britain in 2000. Overall, it is clear that while the main expenditure of the former was other goods, the main disbursement of the latter was housing. This was the similar trend that clothing was the smallest cost in Britain and Hong Kong.

With regard to household disbursement in Britain in 2000, other goods were the highest proportion, more than twice the housing amount, 36% and 18% respectively. Spending on food constituted a little larger than transport fees, approximately 22% of the former, with 17% being made up the latter. By contrast, clothing consisted of the smallest proportion of expenditure, in the region of 7%.

This contrast sharply with the expenditure for Hong Kong in the same year, where the housing amount made up the bulk of expenditure, accounting for the largest proportion of spending, approximately 32%.While food and transport costs comprised more than they did in Britain, 27% and 9%, in turn, other goods were less than it did in Britain nearly 8 %, with being occupied 28%. In comparison, clothing still was the lowest expenditure, devoting to 4%.

Mar 19, 2017   #2
To, while you have shown improvement in the way that you wrote this essay in particular, it is important to note that the paragraph development is still problematic. Bear in mind that you are expected to write a minimum of 3 sentences per paragraph in order to prove that you actually understood what you read and that you are capable of writing complex sentences. So, while you did well in the development of the sentences in terms of sentence count in the first two paragraphs, the concluding statement was not properly formatted to accommodate the required number of sentences.

The opening statement has problems in the sense that it does not properly represent the discussion outline to follow in the essay. Please try to remember that the opening statement is an overview of the topic for discussion and should never contain actual information that can be used to fulfill the body paragraph discussions.

Due to these problems in the essay, my opinion is that you cannot score higher than a 6.
What do you mean that the concluding statement was not properly formatted to accommodate the required number of sentences because I did count it and it is 3 sentences or you mean I need more sentences?

Secondly,I know that something is wrong with my introduction . What should I do to fix it?
Mar 19, 2017   #4
You counted sentences only for the first two paragraphs. Review the third paragraph and you will see that you used come in place of periods. Therefore, you wrote only one extremely long and exhausting to read sentence. You need to be consistent with your work in order to continue improving your possible score. You are careless and did not proof read the essay before you submitted it. That is why you did not catch the obvious mistake in your work. Proof reading your essay is just as important as writing a strong presentation for the essay. You failed to do that in this instance. If you do not practice due diligence in writing your essay, you will constantly fail based upon technicalities and improper presentations. That is something I can't teach you.

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