[IELTS TASK 2] How human activites effect animals life and solutions suggested

Hello everyone! This is my essay and I hope that your guy can give some opinions about it. Thanks a bunch <3

ESSAY TOPICS: ANIMAL SPECIES ARE BECOMING EXTINCT DUE TO HUMAN ACTIVITIES ON LAND AND IN SEA. DISCUSS THE REASONS AND SOLUTIONS

human activities effect badly to animals

Nobody can deny that people nowadays are doing harm to animal species because of their activities not only on land but also in sea. Although this undoubtedly be negative consequence on this trend, steps can be taken to mitigate these potential problems.

A lot of animals are on the brink of extinction because of many reasons. Firstly, the environment which is animals' habitat is becoming worse and worse. Many factories discharge chemical waste on river that pollutes the water and kills plenty of fishes. Secondly, wild animals are hunted for many purposes. Hunting now becomes a leisure time activity and several of animals are killed just for fun. For example, tiger in China now are nearly become extincted due to a Chinese belief that tigers' meat is a nutritious food and their teeth can bring them luck and happiness. In short, people's activities effect badly on animals' life.

There are several actions that government and individuals could take to solve the problems described above. Initially, government should introduce restriction on killing wild animals and punish hard anyone who does not abide by the law. Furthermore, protecting the environment should be a government priority. They should provide funding for preserving forests and lands for animals' habitat. For instance, people in China have formed a pressure group called "Ipanda" in order to protect the panda, which has attracted government sponsorship. To summary, many solutions are found to reduce the problems.

In conclusion, despite the truth that human activities effect badly to animal species' life, some feasible measures mentioned above can be taken to tackle this problem.

Dang, the essay prompt instructs you to discuss examples of how man has caused negative effects on animal habitats in land and in the sea. Therefore, your discussion body should present one paragraph each for the destruction on land and one for the sea. That way, you properly discuss the essay in the format and information required by the original prompt. don't change the discussion by discussing elements that do not have any connection or relationship to the original prompt. You can discuss one problem and one solution per paragraph in order to create a coherent and cohesive discussion that will properly reflect the outlined discussion requirements of the original prompt.

Your current discussion does not represent the correct discussion as it does not refer to land and sea destruction as indicated in the original discussion presentation. Therefore, the discussion that you present could be considered a prompt deviation and as such, either get you a failing or low score in an actual test setting. The misrepresented discussion in the body indicates a shortcoming on your part regarding the instructions you were given for the discussion. It is important that you clearly discuss one land problem regarding animal habitation and one sea problem regarding the same problem. However, each habitation problem and solution must be contained in a single paragraph to make it easier to keep track of your discussion presentation.

While the opening statement is somewhat acceptable, due to its lack of one more sentence in order to be considered a complete paragraph, the conclusion needs more work. A properly developed conclusion must properly assess the previous information and present it in a shortened format of 3-5 sentences in the final paragraph. This serves are the wrap-up or summary discussion of the given outline.

I think your essay is good and easy-to-follow.
But it would be better if you explain more in two main body paragraphs (from 1-2 sentences more is enough).