responsibility of students' development
Hi everyone! I failed my IELTS test and I am hoping you could help me with my writing. Thank you so much!
Topic: School teachers are more responsible for the social and intellectual development of students than parents. To what extent to you agree or disagree.
Many people believe that teachers shaped their students socially and intellectually. While I believe that they play a significant part in what we are today, it is undoubtedly parents who play major roles in the upbringing of a child.
We consider teachers as our second parent which play a significant role in our lives. Children spend most of their time in school, from pre-school until their college years. During these years, teachers give them lessons which will be the foundation of their academic learning. In addition, they teach children how to socially engage with the environment. Moreover, teachers handle structured and non-structured activities and students' experience with these make up a considerable amount of their social skills. They teach children activities with a group of students for their arts class. Children are also divided into certain group for their physical education's class and are taught teamwork, these aspects can be determined at school, to name a few. In short, teachers mentor their students and by the rules and roles they played.
On the other hand, it is parents who hold the most critical role in molding their children. Although most of the learner's time is spent in school, parents have the crucial obligation in shaping their child in the comforts of their home. This responsibility may even start while the child is still on their mother's womb. For instance, mothers have the instinct to read a certain story while listening to classical music like Mozart during pregnancy stage. Studies have shown that children who are nourished by mothers thru reading and listening to classical sound during this stage has an increased level of intelligence and the ability to adapt more with their surrounding. Additionally, as children grow up, parents guide them in every aspect of life. Learning right conduct does not go hand in hand with just learning a subject in school. Children are taught good manners by their parents at an early stage. Furthermore, it is a well-known fact that children do absorbed more of what they are taught in an early age, as to learning, as an example, English language. Children who are taught during their toddler years are more fluent than those who have studied English language later on in their lives. To put it differently, parents guide their children not just socially and intellectually but, most importantly, wholeheartedly.
Overall, teachers who have become student's second parent influenced greatly their wellness dimension during primary school to graduate year, but there is no doubt that parent's role is more vital, for they are present from the start of their children's lives. Guidance and honing for their children is their lifelong responsibility.Hello @Balocating, I agree with most of @littlecurious's corrections, except replacing "thru" with "through". "Thru" is a correct word.
Here are my advice:
There are some prepositions used incorrectly: "Children spend ... time in school"
... on their mother's womb
...taught in an early age
Also you should check your word choice for these:
"listening to classical sound"
"their wellness dimension"
Your sentences are fine, but try to write compound sentences besides short ones. Compound sentences create the smoother flow for the essay.
Hope you do well with your next IELTS test!
