reducing stress by music
It is widely believed that the most effective impact of music is relieving people's stress. I am strongly convinced that the benefit is crucial in boosting people's emotion or brain and enhancing social interconnect.
On the one hand, the justification of my agreement is that music influences one's stress significantly. This is because listening to music has been proven to reduce the levels of cortisol, a hormone that is associated with stress, in the body, so it also stimulates the production of dopamine, a neurotransmitter that is responsible for feelings of pleasure and happiness. Moreover, according to several people, music is also a man-designed creative process that involves the harmonization of voices or the sounds of musical instruments to express emotions. As a consequence, creating a beautiful work of art, in this example a musical performance, can reduce a person's stress levels by focusing on creativity.
On the other hand, there are a variety of music's advantages which affect habitants, except free-stress. The first advantage is that music is more indispensable to stimulate brain growth. As a result, this method would be used widely in medicine to treat patients who have memory and brain problems. Another benefit is pursuing several social interconnects. For instance, almost all music events or shows would attract various participants from all over the world such as Bonk Pink of Black Pink, Ready to Be of Twice; consequently, they may expand their relationship circle by making friends, having minded people, paving the way for lasting relationships in their personal lives.
In conclusion, it is my firm belief that the benefits of music in relieving stress, boosting emotion and brain activity, and enhancing social interconnectivity make it an essential component of human well-being, for this reason, people should use music in distinctive fields to increase their productivity at work and improve their health.
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The arguments presented in this essay are very good but incorrectly presented. Since you are not contradicting your personal opinion in the discussion paragraphs, but rather, adding supporting information, you should avoid using transition phrases such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" because those terms are used for conflicting comparison discussions. Since you are supporting yourself both times, you could instead, say something like "Firstly" then "Secondly" or "Finally". Using numerical ordinals will show that you are on track with your support of your personal opinion.
As a consequence
This is a negative reference meaning "a negative outcome". Since you are talking of a positive result, the phrase should have been "a positive outcome" instead.
You are just confusing your negatives with your positives at this point. You need to learn the differences between these terms.