Unanswered [18] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

IELTS task 2 - It is important for all towns and cities to have large public outdoor places.


g890714 1 / -  
Feb 2, 2019   #1
It is important for all towns and cities to have large public outdoor places like squares and parks.
TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?


Nowadays, some people believe that constructing lots of public outdoor places is essential for urban areas, while others hold an opposite opinion, I personally favor the former point of view.

It cannot be denied that building squares or parks wastes part of the land. The land price is truly high in the city so that each acre of lands should be used to make profits, such as building companies, department store, and so on. However, it would be difficult for citizens to live in a place, which is full of skyscrapers, without any public outdoor facility.

On the other hand, people living in the city need some outdoor places to release their stress. For instance, in Asia, employees always work hard and often work over time. People have plenty of pressure due to high living prices as well as low salary. Therefore, public parks would be an ideal place for them to escape the hustle and bustle city life. They are not only able to sit on the grassland and relax, bit also can have a picnic with their family or friends.

In addition, public outdoor places provide lots of space for citizens to do various activities. In the squares, old people can do some morning exercises, chatting with each others to make friends. Children can play at the playground and feed fishes around the pound in the park. Furthermore, public places decorate the towns and cities, which make our living space more colorful instead of being filled with industrial buildings.

In conclusion, when it comes to the issue regarding public outdoor facilities, I would like to support constructing facilities since people living in the city would own places to do anything they want and also make the cities prettier.

riteshsinha 3 / 5 2  
Feb 3, 2019   #2
I am also trying to work on my writing skills. However, I tried to read and review.
relax, but
"chatting with each others"
Please avoid repeating the word "people" and use synonyms like residents, citizens etc.
Red Moon 14 / 32 6  
Feb 3, 2019   #3
You should not write "while others hold an opposite opinion" because it is not mentioned in the question. This is not a discussion essay.

The first paragraph is not necessary as it contradicts your point of view. In your introduction, you say that you agree to the construction of public outdoor places, so there's no need for describing a drawback of these places. Instead, you should give one more advantage to further explain your view.

Also, you have some problems with writing more complex sentences. Take some sentences for examples:

"They are able to not only sit on ... but also have a picnic ..."

"Furthermore, public places, which decorate the towns and cities, make our living space ..."
Note that relative pronouns are placed directly after the noun or pronoun they modify.

Using too many short sentences isn't a good idea, so you should try to combine them. I would write a longer sentence:
"For instance, in Asia, employees always work under pressure as they struggle to earn more money to cope with the high cost of living in cities."

There are also many grammatical errors in your essay. I suggest you use some online grammar checkers to find your mistakes.
Holt - / 7,529 2001  
Feb 3, 2019   #4
Sun, the first thing that i noticed with this essay is that you failed to properly address the task requirement which is to indicate the extent of your (dis)agreement with the essay topic. The requirement asks you to present a measured response in relation to the given topic and reason for the discussion. You failed to do that because you did not indicate:

I partially dis/agree
I fully dis/agree
I totally dis/agree

and other variations of measured response presentations. Since you say that you personally favor the latter point of view, then the proper response would have been "I fully disagree" with the given opinion.

There is also no need to cite an opposing point of view in this presentation because there is no opposing point of view presented in the essay. As such, this is a single opinion essay based on a singular topic and reason. There is no room for a comparative essay in this discussion. A comparative essay instruction will be far different from this one. A comparative essay will indicate 2 public opinions in the discussion presentation then require you to present an explanation of the 2 opinions before adding your personal opinion. That instruction is not within this essay discussion therefore your approach to the discussion is incorrect.

These are the reasons why your essay discussion is not acceptable for the given prompt / discussion instruction. Therefore, when the added low scores based on other criteria for the essay are considered in totality, you will not be able to meet the requirements for a passing score.


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 - It is important for all towns and cities to have large public outdoor places.