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Improving public health by providing affordable medicine as well as hospital for everyone

amrillahmk 29 / 47 6  
Oct 26, 2016   #1
Some say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sport facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

Improving public health by rising the sum of sport facilities is generally believed by many people, while others assume it does not have significant effect on public health and needs other solutions. It is agreed to some extent that sport amenities could improve one's health; however, I firmly believe another solution, such as building hospital which can be afford by the poor would play important role in increasing public health.

It is well-known fact that sports could keep you being healthy, because by working out, for example, in sport facilities, your body will be sweating, which is great to improve indvidual's health. For example, many people in vibrant city will go to gym when they want to exercise due to lack of public space to do as such in out door. When they go to the gym, they have to be a member and pay some money in order to harness its facilities, which is not everyone will get the benefits because some people do not have much amount of money.

Since the idea is to increase public health, so everyone should get the advantages from it and that is the primary reason why another measure, such as establishing affordable infirmaries, is needed. This is because when rich people can go to the gym as well as a decent and expensive hospital so as to maintain their health; on the other hand, the poor can go to affordable infirmaries to buy medicine they need. Because when it comes to improve public health, the first thing we can do is by providing affordable medicine and hospital for every person.

In light of what has been said, although the sport facilities could improve one's health, but it is not play significant role to improve public health. Thus, another solution like affordable hospital is needed. By doing as such, I could assure public health will increase significantly.
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Oct 26, 2016   #2
Hi Amril,
Let me just rushing to my feedback. Hope this helps :)

1st paragraph:
- Improving public health by risingraising the sum of sport facilities is generally believed by manysome people (Some and many are different. Avoid over-generalizing)(comma is unnecessary if the connector is between two clauses (except contrast connectors)) while others assume it does not havegive significant effectimpact on public health and therefore, needs other solutions.

- ... one's health. (using semicolon is okay, but it is not suggested. It is suggested to be separated into a new sentence)However, I firmly believe with another solution, such asthat by building more hospitals, it can help people with low financial condition to increase their health condition and make healthcare facilities affordable for them in order to improve public health.which can be afford by the poor would play important role in increasing public health.

Apart from the above-mentioned feedback and after reading the whole essay, I reckon that your discussion wasn't about both views. It is indeed you were talking about sport facilities, but you've forgotten the keywords for this topic i.e. "increasing the sport facilities". In the first BODY paragraph, it is unfortunate that you have written "different" focus. You explained about the benefits of sport facilities, but not the "increasing sport facilities" part. For instance, you can just write

Increasing the number of sport facilities is the best solution to improve public health. This is because if the number of sport amenities develop, so does healthy people. For example, Jakarta has 400 kinds of fitness centers which can be used by approximately more than 5000 people. As a result, the number of healthy people is growing in line with the growth of the sport facilities itself.

Because you only addressed half part of the task, I think it is still difficult for this essay to reach 6 or above dude. Keep practicing!!

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