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Increased the average human life span is the main reason of population aging.

Nahid87 12 / 17 7  
Jun 5, 2016   #1
Hey:) I would like to know your suggestions about my essay.

In general, people are living longer now. Discuss the causes of this phenomenon.

Researchers found that the age of the population get older. This event is more obvious in the modern society. Longer living is the main reason of this phenomenon. Many reasons influence the greater longevity. Among countless factors, there are three conspicuous aspects that I mention as follows. Advancement in health science, changing people's attitude towards life, and improving technology towards comfortable life are all impact people living age and healthy.

Improving in health science and increasing health centers are the main reasons for long living. Today, researchers have found curing some specific diseases which were unknown before. For example, cancer can treat easily now. However, several years age, cancer caused dying of millions of people. Researches also discover vaccines and antibiotic which are uses to prevent some disease. I remembered, when I was about 8, many African native died because of some virus in water and lack of the vaccine to protect against that. Furthermore, increasing health caring centers make curing process easy. Now, hospital almost accessible everywhere. When people feel bad, can go these institute and be cured themselves at the first step of their disease process.

There is another factor that deserves some words here. People's culture and view points toward life has changed and care more about their healthy. They read news about this topics in books, internet, and social pages. They spend time to go gyms and be fitted. They aware about overweight and its bad effects. They pay more attention about the ingredients of foods and prevented from eating foods that are harmful for their healthy. For instance, our family members are all vegetarian because of some negative meat effects. Also, they check their healthy situation by testing every six month to be sure about their normal status of their body. In past, there is a little part who are influent may be paid these issues.

But there is a further more subtle point we must consider. Technology plays an important role in this field, too. Mechanism and robots make living condition comfortable. In past, most of the tasks did manually and peoples almost were agriculture and had a difficult work situation. Nowadays, people sit behind desk and do their job with computer or advanced machines in a room that equipped by air condition and heater. In the past, people suffered from their job, so their healthy damaged. Another impact of technology appears in agriculture. Scientists can grow every vegetables and foods not only in specific season but whenever they want. Also they can revise their ingredients and as a result we feed high range of the useful materials. In past many people may be died because of the famine or war that are rarely happen these days.

Taking into account all the factors I mentioned above, we reach this conclusion that that there are so many aspects which impact the ages of people. Living longer means having better healthy situation for long time. It can be influenced by technology and advancement as main reasons.
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Jun 5, 2016   #2
Nahid, I am not sure that this essay was composed in 40 minutes sharp. The length of this essay is twice the required prompt. It is not suggested to keep maintaining this habit. You can just aim for 300 or 350 maximum. Somehow, shorter essay is clearer than this one. I am just afraid that it will affect your band score later on.

- ...that the age of the population is gettingget older.
- This eventissue is more obvious in the modern society.
- Longer livingLiving longer is the main reason of this phenomenon.

To be honest, these three sentences were still confusing even after I gave some corrections. I have an alternative for you below:
- It is generally seen that people are now living longer than they used to be. It becomes a predominant issue in the modern society. The main reason of this phenomenon is longevity.

Based on those corrections, I think you had a difficulty in transferring your first language into an English language. Somehow, it is pretty clear that some sentences do not sound like an English language. It seems like you forced them to be translated into English, and it sounds pretty odd for the reader.

That's it, the conclusion is that long essay in IELTS can lead to many inaccuracies (you can re-check your second and third paragraph, there were many fragments there), and be careful in translating your ideas from your first language into English. You can read many English articles to help you.

Cheers :)
OP Nahid87 12 / 17 7  
Jun 5, 2016   #3
Thank you Ichan, yes unfortunately it takes about 50 minutes which is not appropriate for toefl exam

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