TOEFL Independent Essay - Nowadays people spend too much time on personal entertainment

Activity: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment-doing things they like to do-rather than doing things they should do.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

My essay:

Today we live in a society that time is one of the most important things that can't be purchased, and there is no enough time for personal enjoyment. Consequently, I disagree with the idea that people spend too much time on recreation because we live stressed and complain about the lack of time.

First of all, most people have a lot of responsibilities and have not enough time for themselves, which causes stress and anxiety. These psychological illnesses have increased enormously for the last decades, studies report. There are many possible reasons to explain this phenomenon. One of the main factors could be the lack of recreational activities in everyday life, together with the overloaded agenda that workers have. For instance, let's think about a Geology university professor. He must prepare classes, field trips, working in his research, meetings with students and other professors, etc. It is very likely that in addition to his established work schedule, he has to work at home. On weekdays, after college, there is no much enough time to do an activity, because he also has to take care of his children and do domestic tasks. Maybe, on the weekends, he has more time for personal enjoyment. However, he might work on some tasks related to college or other things that he should do for the house or family. Consequently, he may be stress and feel anxiety due to his overloaded agenda.

Second, people are always complaining about the lack of time. This is mainly because people do not have time to do many leisure activities. For example, in my country, Chile, there is a controversy because there is a law proposed to reduce the legal amount of working hours. Those who support this initiative states that Chileans are working too many hours and do not have time for family and friends. According to research conducted by the University of Chile, people think that they do not spend enough time with their family and friends, which affects the population's mental health and productivity. Moreover, if people spent more time doing leisure activities such as working out, painting, singing; there would be higher rates of personal satisfaction.

In conclusion, I believe that people do not have enough time for entertainment because they have too many things to do at work and because of the constant complaints about the lack of time for recreation.

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Please give me feedback. Thank you.

@danisepari
Welcome here. I'm here to provide you with feedback. Hopefully, this would make sense and help you in your learning endeavors. Don't hesitate to approach us if you have more questions.

Firstly, the written work itself is quite put-together. I appreciate how finely you've managed to connect all of the details, making the entire writing flow smoothly.

I do, however, find that certain smaller details can still be improved upon. Consider, for instance, the last sentence of the first paragraph. The end phrasing appeared to be too bold and excessive, not what you would want for an academic essay. I suggest rephrasing it to something that would come off as a bit milder.

Furthermore, the second paragraph suffered from the extensive usage of details. I always mention this to others, but, it truly is helpful if you compartmentalize and prioritize which details are actually necessary - and which ones you do not particularly need. If you are able to do this, you can reduce the bulkiness of the essay and focus only on what's important.