Dear instructor, Please help me look at this one I wrote and checked. Much appreciated! -- Sheryl
Task 1 "Percentage of water used for different purposes in six areas of the world"
the analysis of water usage in the world
The charts give us information on water use in six regions of the world. It seems obvious that developed areas differ from developing ones in terms of the way that the largest amount of water is used.
In the developed areas of North America and Europe, industrial uses takes up 48% and 53% respectively. By contrast, developing areas, such as Central Asia and South East Asia, allocate much less water(from 5% to 12%) for industrial purpose.
With no more than 20% (10%, considering 3 out of the 4 developing regions) of water distributed to households, developing regions have most of their water resources used for agriculture. The percentage goes up to 88% in Central Asia, while the proportion in South East Asia, though lower than the other two developing regions, still contributes to 81% of total use.
So as we can see, water use among areas depend largely on their structure and conditions of economy. The difference can be extremely significant comparing industrialized and under-development states.
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Sheryl, please do not expect me to rate your essay based on the band score because you did not provide the chart illustration for me to use in comparing your work with the provided information. I want to be fair to you and judge the essay based upon the provided parameters. I can tell you though that your essay suffers from a lack of thought development because you have some paragraphs that are extremely short in presentation and as such, does not really offer a fully developed analysis or argument for the information you are providing. You need to use at least 3 sentences per paragraph. Additionally, you should not present the information enclosed in parenthesis because these are not additional information that you are providing, but actual information based upon the prompt you were provided with. It is because of these parenthetical presentations that your essay suffers in the cohesiveness and coherence, as well as grammatical accuracy portion of the band score. All your paragraphs do not meet the minimum requirement and therefore, cannot be considered fully developed. While some ideas are presented in the 2 sentences, there is no definitive reason for the reader to believe the information you are providing. That only comes from the direct, instead of parenthetical, presentation of the information in the original chart. I can sense some analytical presentations in the essay though. That tells me that you studied the graph somehow. I cannot tell how effective you analysis is though, because you failed to include the illustration with the original posting. So these problems would have lowered your score in a major way. I just can't be specific about the score because of the lack of illustrated information for me to consider.