Please give me some comments on my essay. Much appreciated!
Topic: The ease of international travel and the spread of various kinds of mass media all over the world have made it more possible than ever for people to know how other people live in other countries.
Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
In the modern day and ages, the invention of numerous convenient transport and the extensive coverage of networking are two main features that bridge the gap between civilians of different countries. In my opinion, I have a great belief that this development's merits outweigh all its downsides.
To begin with, it is undeniable that international travel makes significant stimulation to the tourism industry around the world. As the worldwide economy improves, the need for traveling increases substantially. Therefore, numerous individuals have made a fortune because of providing various interesting services. Ultimately, the average living conditions in many countries have witnessed massive improvement, which benefits the whole world.
As well as international journalism, mass media also contributes a variety of advantages to the Earth. Firstly, the worldwide cover of media supports spreading cultural diversity. Since the geographical distance vanishes, citizens in different territories can easily gain more knowledge about their favourite culture. Secondly, mass media helps civilians update the newest information quickly. Thanks to this merit, unnumbered communities can make appropriate decisions to benefit themselves as much as possible.
Some arguments are claiming that worldwide journalism and mass media can encourage the equalization of nations, which threatens every country. I admit that there are some valid in this contention. However, loss of cultural diversity can totally be prevented by raising appropriate awareness of individuals. Therefore, this risk is not considerable in comparison to lots of benefits of international travel and extensive media coverage.
In conclusion, I strongly believe that worldwide tourism and mass media are exponentially advantageous to human beings, as long as we acknowledge how to utilize them properly.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,909 3559
Let's start with the first paragraph. In the introduction, you are using a memorized phrase to kick off the presentation. "In the modern day and ages" is actually grammatically incorrect as it should be written as "In these modern days and ages". That is not the point though, the problem with that presentation is, it does nothing for your TA score. You could have properly written this restatement in as little as two sentences. You could have started at "The invention of.." and have given a better hook to the reader in the presentation. By the way, convenient transport and extensive coverage of network do not mean the same thing as international travel and various kinds of mass media. The proper alternative references should have been:
International travel - global trekking, globe trotting, world wide excursions
Mass media - electronic media, information media, broadcast media
I strongly urge you to get a hold of a thesaurus while you still can. The thesaurus is a collection of alternative words that you can use to replace keywords in the original presentation. You can download those from the App store or Google Play. When you download one, let me know so I can instruct you on how to properly use it. Trust me, it is going to help increase your TA and LR score tremendously. You must never repeat the usage of the keyword in the discussion paragraphs or prompt restatement. You have to avoid that in order to prove your proficiency in the use of various English words.
This is a 4 paragraph essay that uses the following discussion paragraph format:
Sentence 1: Mention a Disadvantage as the topic sentence.
Sentence 2: Explain why people see this as a disadvantage (one topic paragraph for international travel and another for mass media)
Sentence 3: Transition to the advantage discussion by presenting your advantage opinion
Sentence 4: Offer an explanation for your opinion
Sentence 5: Use a supporting example.
The problem with your essay is that you deviated from the given discussion topic. Which is why the discussion went off course and thus, became irrelevant to the given task. Refer to the following:
Original Reason: possible than ever for people to know how other people live in other countries.
You decided that for international travel, you would use "stimulation to the tourism industry" and for mass media, you would focus on international journalism and various reasons, rather than a single focused reason based on the spread of mass media. Then you presented a personal opinion that did not anchor itself on the original reason for the discussion. So the essay is totally unrelated to the original prompt.
Since the original reason was not used in the discussion essay, you know the kind of score that this essay can get. Perhaps you need to work on some English comprehension exercises to help improve your reading and comprehension skills. Avail yourself of the online practice tests for English comprehension before you try to write another Task 2 essay.
Thank you very much for your advice!
I have downloaded Thesaurus dictionary as you suggested. Can you guide me please?
Besides, can you suggest one proper essay structure for this type of question? I really need your help to avoid mistakes later on. Please start a new thread.