IELTS - large financial benefits for successful sports professionals

Thanks for your time to edit my essay.
Here comes the task.

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

The topic that achieved athletes make a greater fortune than people in other fields, is not a new one, thus people are divided into two groups for the views that whether it is fair or not. I prefer the former one and would discuss this issue, then deliver my points in this essay at length.

As I mentioned above, I agree with the view that this kind of wealth distribution is fair enough due to the successful professionals deserve it, that is, partly because their good luck and talent make it a foregone conclusion that they will be outstanding; principally because the hard work and pain they had endured ensure their success. Moreover, these athletes become more valuable in terms of business and advertisement industry where they are stars with immense influence on their fans rather than great players who won medals and champions. Young people will always choose the commodities their stars recommend; on the other hand, his behaviour can boost the market.

In spite of the sports professionals can benefit everyone in this economy in an intangible way; many folks believe it is not justified for the stars to earn such a great amount of money while millions and billions people on this planet are still suffering from poverty, starvation, a lack of water resource and preventable diseases. In further steps, these people assert that the athletes have an obligation to help the deprived ones and also a pivotal role to play in setting up public models than just gather wealth and live a luxurious lifestyle.

We cannot deny that as the consequence of the successful sports professionals' efforts, hand work pays off, fame and fortune rewards. Overall, in my opinion, it is one's liberty to possess and utilise them, but it would be a better choice to make use of them more meaningfully.

Hi Do Ray!

Let's start with the second paragraph -- the first couple of sentences:
As I mentioned above, I agree with the view that this kind of wealth distribution is fair enough due to the successful professionals deserve it, that is, partly because their good luck and talent make it a foregone conclusion that they will be outstanding; principally because the hard work and pain they had endured ensure their success.

--> Here, you are being very non-specific in your response to the prompt. What, exactly are you trying to say, here, Do Ray? You are going back to refer to a point that you made in the first paragraph when, even after I re-read the first paragraph, was never clearly made in the first place.

--> I would start with some simpler, concise sentences and describe how you feel about sports and the people who are making so much money in the sports. Do you think that this is justified? If so, describe, in simple sentences, how you feel this way. Don't try to impress the reader with large words or long sentences, as this just tends to confuse the reader.

--> You are doing well, Do Ray, on this forum. Keep it up! Keep writing. And then re-write your essays. Try to write your essays about three or four times "before" you decide to post them on the forum. You will find that it will work better for you.

--Mark :)