Learning Motivation - IELTS Writing Task 2: Discursive Essay

telling kids stories, or reading storybooks - opinion

Here is my latest essay on IELTS Writing Task 2. Please be free to leave your comments. Thanks in advance
Some people think parents themselves need to spend time reading or telling stories to children, while other think children can read by themselves through a variety of sources, such as books and the Internet.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

According to some, it is necessary for parents to read and tell stories to children. While there are other who think that children should take that responsibility by themselves. Both sides of the debate will be discussed below before drawing my opinion.

On the one hand, as parents read or tell stories to children, many people believe children would be greatly beneficial. Because the parents usually are those have much experiences in life, therefore, the kids could easily broaden their knowledge in diverse aspects thanks to their support. Moreover, it is widely believed that reading or telling stories to children can be a great way to promote of family bonding. In other words, sufficient family time could be ensure, enhancing healthy interaction within families as consequence.

On the other hand, there are many people think that parents should let their children to read by themselves. When children are given more opportunities to read, their autonomy in learning, which is believed to be essential for their future, could be greatly developed. Secondly, as giving more chances to read by themselves, children are believed to be better interested and motivated in reading. In other words, as children are allowed to read whatever that they are interested in, it would yield better results to children's development.

Finally, in my opinion, both tasks are undoubtedly necessary for a child's future but the focus should depend on a child's age. In specific, parents should read or tell stories to younger children because they need to be motivated to acquire knowledge about world's reality. For older children, when they have a reading habit, such important qualities like independence could be greatly promoted among young's mind.

In conclusion, although people have different views, I believe it would be better for young children to be motivated in learning and older children to become independent.

I would watch out for your construction of paragraphs. You have a tendency to leave behind thoughts, meaning that you end your paragraphs without necessarily providing concluding remarks. To avoid this, I would suggest always going back to the main thought of the paragraph before proceeding to typing another one.

I also suggest clarifying how you narrate your sentences. You have a tendency to somehow overwhelm the readers with words.
For instance, the last paragraph of the second paragraph can be rewritten as:
In other words, sufficient family time can ensure healthy interactions among members.
Try to be as straightforward as possible.
I would also suggest that you reread your essay and be more careful with your sentence construction. There were instances wherein you had redundant usage of nouns and verbs. To avoid this, I would suggest opting to use more pronouns in replacement. This will make your essay more polished.