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TOEFL - Why some like to engage in dangerous activities? 'joy and happiness'


ggalaxy 2 / 7  
Nov 27, 2013   #1
Greetings, everyone. I would like to see some comments about my essay. Any comment will be highly appreciated.

Question :

Why do you think some people are attracted to dangerous sports or other dangerous activities? Use specific reasons and examples to support
your answer.

My essay

There are many people who are attracted to dangerous sports as much as other activities.I believe that some people drag themselves to dangerous activities for two main reasons. First, for happiness which is a moral feeling. Second, for the reward they get after doing those dangerous activities. In this essay I will explain more details to support my opinion.

To begin with, some people see dangerous activities as an art. Practicing such activity for the sake of itself brings joy and happiness, therefore, when some people do something, most likely a dangerous sport or an activity, they feel extreme happiness. In other words ecstasy. That is why they put their lives at high stakes to finally feel happiness.

Secondly, other people do dangerous activities for the outcome they get after a while, what I mean by that is money. When some people see that a dangerous activity brings money at the end, they are willing to put their lives at high risk. Moreover, they are even willing to put someone's life at danger. Having said that, it means that they can even kill innocent people just to get money.

To sum up, people are attracted with dangerous activities for two main reasons. First, for joy and happiness. Second, for the outcome and reward they get after they practice those dangerous activities. This is because they find it more enjoyable than dangerous.

dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Nov 28, 2013   #2
First, for happiness which is a moral feeling.

.... happiness or thrill? or entertainment?... I think happiness is not the most appropriate word :)

In this essay I will explain more details to support my opinion.

This sentence does not provide much value to your essay. The reader expects you to do this.

To begin with, some people see dangerous activities as an art. Practicing such activity for the sake of itself brings joy and happiness, therefore, when some people do something, most likely a dangerous sport or an activity, they feel extreme happiness. In other words ecstasy. That is why they put their lives at high stakes to finally feel happiness.

You should provide specific examples in the body paragraphs in order to support your reasons that you use to justify your opinion. I don't find such specific examples in this paragraph.
OP ggalaxy 2 / 7  
Nov 28, 2013   #3
Thank you for your comment Dumi, very helpful, yeah I will improve bit by bit.


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