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I like to live in big city like "Ahemdabad"


alina967 11 / 29  
Oct 23, 2009   #1
This is my 2nd essay, please proofread it give suggestion to improve it.
I like to live in big city like "Ahemdabad". It is in the west corner of the India. City has many features like factories, big business complex, shopping complex, educational institute, hospitals multiplex theaters, parks, lakes. However, as a big city it has the pollution. City has also heritage temple, old places and mountains.

People comes to sell and buy things here, they have handmade things, and they get the best price for it. Normally, clothes which area imported from small towns, city public buy them. as this way business increase. Many factories are give plastic materials, glass material, synthetic material. In addition, they produced cement, silica, Iron, steel bars, to build houses. They are far from community and houses. Everybody, is gets various type of jobs here.

City has a international airport, railway station and bus station to travel in city. Transportation and moving done by different way and easily, to any part of state. Big management institute. IIM, which is first ranked in the country. From many states students come here for higher education. There are colleges for different steams like, the science, the commerce, the arts. Asia's large hospital, CIVIL is in the Ahemdabad. There are many hospitals for mother and child, they give free services for them.

City has town hall, multiplex theaters, shopping centers, and parks, lakes. Sabarmati named river, cut city in two part. Front of this river, are ware parks, rides, hotels , museum, a zoo. In the weekend people enjoys in the park, take dinner at hotel by watching the flow of river and traffic. As any other city, the pollution is a big problem, several communities try to decrease the level of carbon in environment. Problem of cleanness is also face by government, they try some plans to keep clean the city.

In short, city provide every necessary thing clean water, electricity, communication, business, education, entertainment to resident of a city. The weigh of benefits are more than disadvantages, so I love my city. Because of these reasons, I prefer to live in a big city.

bahram2263 - / 1  
Oct 23, 2009   #2
I read your paragraph,first of all I think it is so scrambled and i guess your writing suffers a lot from lack of coherency.I guess if you use each paragraph to explain one clear feature of a big city it is more acceptable for example:

"City has a international airport, railway station and bus station to travel in city. Transportation and moving done by different way and easily, to any part of state. Big management institute. IIM, which is first ranked in the country. From many states students come here for higher education. There are colleges for different steams like, the science, the commerce, the arts. Asia's large hospital, CIVIL is in the Ahemdabad. There are many hospitals for mother and child, they give free services for them."

at first you talk about transportation and then you jump to hospitals and education system
EF_Stephen - / 264  
Oct 23, 2009   #3
There is a big big problem with articles, like 'a', 'an,' and 'the.' The poor usage of these just kills the continuity of your essay.

'A' and 'an' are called indefinite articles. They specify one of any number of common things which we designate as nouns. "The' is a definite article, specifying a special case of noun, or a particular one out of a bunch of the same kind. The city...not 'the' India...there IS only one India, so it does not need to be singled out.

Also, as mentioned in the other comment, there is a lot of jumbling going on here. It is hard to keep track of your thinking.

First, fix the article problem. Then work on the content structure.
OP alina967 11 / 29  
Oct 24, 2009   #4
Thanks , for your comments.

Now,I know I need more work at orgenization and grammar.

I remember those things, in my next essay.
Floria_ran 2 / 3  
Oct 29, 2009   #5
I read your article and I think your fluency is not so good.

I deem you should use some conjunctions between these sentences since they have some relations right?

Also, you should say something about the small town either, because there are still some people hold the view to live in a small town.

What I mentioned above is my own opinion. I think your idea is a good one, but you should strengthen your logic.
fuhuanluck 5 / 11  
Oct 30, 2009   #6
i am confused about your structure. and you d better change some sentences
OP alina967 11 / 29  
Nov 12, 2009   #7
yes I knew that my orgenization is weak. I have done correction to this artical.


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