It is better to put a picture in this essay. Readers will be easy to refer the task and give some suggestions for you. However, I give several comments here.
The line graph compares
and contrasts data on the different percentage of unemployed women in eight age groups from 18 to 65.
In general, the percentage of unemployed women in the age groups is fluctuating, whereas the peak is in age group 45 with 20%. More specifically, the age group 18 is 5% lower than age group 45 in 20%. The small number of
percentage(you can use "proportion") of unemployed women areis between age groups 25, 30, and 35. The age groups 25, 30, and 35(it is repetition from before) are steadily(steadily what?) in 5%. After the peak, the number of unemployed women is gradually falling 10% in age group 55 and 60.
. In suggestion, you can change "unemployed women" to avoid repetition.
Thanks a million