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toefl: We live in a world of music - Why is it important to so many people?


Liwen 2 / 9  
Aug 16, 2009   #1
People listen to music for different reasons and at different times. Why is music important to many people? Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.

Music has been spread in people's life for a long time. Without music, individuals lose a beautiful language, which has been used in heart-to-heart communications. During the enjoyment of music, people are likely to relax, gain a better understanding of an exotic culture and feel how the lyrics echo the deepest sensation in heart. Most people can not live without music, not to mention those who are addicted to it, like me.

There are many people who sit in offices all day. They are usually mentally exhausted. It is music that leads people to the pure and peaceful paradise where they can feel the peace of heart. In modern world, competitons exists everywhere. People are used to fight against other competitors, and consequently, they forget to enjoy the colorful life. As one of the most beautiful language in the world, music help people to leave all troubles behind them and face a fantastic world full of love.

The point that mentioned above might be the most significant reason, however, the influnence on communication should not be neglected. There is not any language can compete with music in the respect. People from different countries are able to appreciate the same piece of music. From this perspective, music is the best communication tool.Besides, listening to a song from another country, our ears will taste an extremely fresh and exotic feast. Through the music, we also understand a totally different culture as well.

When we are trapped in slump, music acts as an excellent psychologist who tells exactly what we think and heals our soul magically. As a sentimental person myself, I was sometimes drowned in the music and listen to one piece of song for thousands of times. Once when I was in high school, my physics dropped dramatically in only two months. I was quite worried and felt upset day by day. One night after a terrible exam, I went back home, lied on my bed and cried. Turning on my CD player and listening to "what goes around" sung by Justin Timberlake, literally, I was fancinated by the rhythm and lyrics. Yes, what goes around comes around, so what I paid is what I get. I should concentrate on the problems instead of complaining about the new teachers, bad topics or whatever. I was completely inspired by it, and suddenly felt a little bit delightness. I sat up quickly, yes,a new and fresh day came to me.

We live in a world of music. The tired find peace here, the young broad their horizon here, and the sad seek for their paradise here. As a music person, I can find my desire and hope in music. I can not image what my life is going to be without music.

OP Liwen 2 / 9  
Aug 16, 2009   #2
Hi,all.Any comments are greatly appreciated!!!!!!!!!!
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Aug 16, 2009   #3
Punctuation marks (except for apostrophes and initial parentheses and quotation marks) must always be followed by spaces. Your prose is impenetrable to English readers otherwise. It'sasthoughallofyourwordsruntogether. Fix this problem and repost.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Aug 16, 2009   #4
Your writing style shows a great deal of promise. A few things, though:

Try to avoid minor spelling errors: "Music has been spread in people's life for a long time." Also, who has been spreading it? The phrasing is awkward even when the grammar is fixed.

Listening to music,busy people,such as white-collars who work in offices all day,will eliminate the pressure over the exhausted body.

Also, be sure to avoid odd biases. Are you sure that white collar workers are busier, or more likely to be physically exhausted, than blue collar ones?

And, please, take Simone's suggestion about adding spaces between your punctuation marks. Your essay really is quite difficult to read without them.
OP Liwen 2 / 9  
Aug 16, 2009   #5
Thank you so much for this advice, Simon.

I usually worried that what I write is ridiculous to native English speakers, so I pay a lot of attention on reading others' essays, but I never notice the space.
OP Liwen 2 / 9  
Aug 16, 2009   #6
Hi, Sean. I really appreciate your help. How about change that part like this?

There are many people who sit in offices all day. They are usually mentally exhausted.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Aug 17, 2009   #7
Better. Now let's make it more concise:

Many people who sit in offices all day suffer from mental exhaustion.

Try to avoid using forms of "to be" wherever possible, and to focus on using strong verbs:
toefl7 2 / 2  
Aug 17, 2009   #8
You have a very nice style, but really, simone remarks made it even better.
OP Liwen 2 / 9  
Aug 17, 2009   #9
Thank you, toefl7, that advice did help a lot.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Aug 17, 2009   #10
There are many people who sit in offices all day. They are usually mentally exhausted. It is music that leads people to the pure and peaceful paradise where they can feel the peace of heart.

Similarly, workers doing physical labor often use upbeat music to keep themselves moving and distract them from monotonous tasks.
OP Liwen 2 / 9  
Aug 17, 2009   #11
Do you think I should add this part to the paragraph? The fuctions of relaxation and motivation?
sad_an6el 5 / 9  
Aug 17, 2009   #12
In fact I would even put the last paragraph as the introduction, it's really a nice beginning to round up the entire piece.

I think you can definitely add the function of relaxation. In such a busy world like today, people go to all sorts of way to soothe their stress and I think music plays a vital piece of helping you relax. Why do you think they sell so many albums with water, forest sounds and play them all the time as massage parlors or meditation session.
OP Liwen 2 / 9  
Aug 17, 2009   #13
Thank you very much, sad_an6el. It sounds more detailed.


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