[IELTS] We lived in a world of technology these days. Opinion essay.

We lived in a world of technology these days. While the internet brings with it clear advantages, the problems in terms of control and security of information outweighs the advantages. To what extent do you agree.

cyber control and security issues

Some suggest that cyber control and security issues outweighed the advantages as the world that we live in is surrounded by technology. In my opinion, I completely agree that control and security of the internet problems. Such as handling sensitive military information are significant than any advantages might bring.

To begin with, although the less-regulated internet has made us share the information faster, it raised concern over the way of milliary handling sensitive information via the internet too. In other words, the less-control internet has made data transmission fasten with no firewall. But it also exposes a risk that sensitive information exchange by the milliary through the internet would be a target for hackers. As a result, it would threaten the national security of the country.

Furthermore, it is convenient that having GPS system to help us in life, but the location of the users might lead to a serious consequence. In particular, GPS system helps us navigate to our destination. However, the exact user's location is being exposed, in which, privacy matter to its people has raised. Therefore, without regulation for protection, their privacy is being intruded.

Finally, our entertainments are in danger situation. Take Netflix for example, an online streaming video service that based their values on digital assets, so if hackers stole and stream them on another website, it could affect the company's revenue and it may kill the company in a long-run. So, we cannot only enjoy the advantages while ignoring the problems that we have.

In conclusion, I supposed that regulating the networking, privacy measures, and reinforce the cybersecurity to its hackers are serious and therefore, greater than any advantages.

Words: 280

Thanks!

CJ

Hello Jimmy879873,
Here are some possible corrections:

information is more significant (information is singular)
it raised concerns over the way of military
having a GPS system
lead to serious consequences
our entertainments are in a dangerous situation

and in my opinion, paragraph 3 was a little hard to follow, especially when you were writing about privacy matter.

SG, since this is an ongoing discussion, the use of present tense words is required. Therefore, you do not say "outweighed" but rather "outweighs". This signifies that the discussion is one that is current and without a foreseeable conclusion at the moment. I would also like to offer an additional reminder regarding the opening paragraph. This is meant to only be a representation of your English comprehension skills. That is why the rules of writing for this essay dictate that you cannot openly present and discuss an opinion within the first paragraph. It is not possible to do so because of the C&C requirement that fully developed paragraphs be presented in each discussion. With only 5 sentences allowed per paragraph, it is not possible to discuss multiple topics in the paragraph without violating that rule and being scored down for it. A more accurate representation of the prompt follows:

In our age of cyber technology, it would seem like the positive benefits of internet usage is held back by the negative results of cyber control and security. That is why most people believe that the advantages are negated by the disadvantages of internet service. I complete agree with the aforementioned belief and will discuss my reasons for this below.

While the body of your paragraphs are strong, your concluding paragraph is weak and confusing. Try to cut the presentation into 3 clear sentences so that the reader can better understand what it is you are trying to say. The shorter your sentence, the better chance you have of expressing yourself clearly. It also allows you stay within the minimum requirements per paragraph.

Few corrections:-

information is more significant (information is singular)
it raised concerns over the way of military
having a GPS system
lead to serious consequences
our entertainments are in a dangerous situation