IELTS Writing Task 2 : Loneliness or Better Sense of Community

Some people say that living in a high-rise apartment block is a lonely experience because there is no community spirit. Others say that people who live in high-rise apartments have a much better sense of community than those who live in houses.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Some people argue that living in storey apartment undergo lonesome. The others say that living in aloft building houses have more sense of togetherness than people who live in residence. I strongly believe that live in apartment block can make people lonely because there is no interaction among the inhabitants in the tall flat.

Human kind never feel lonely when they live in an apartment block. The inhabitant of apartment can meet with new people and make a conversation while doing an activity in the flat, thanks to the facilities which is given by the flat management, such as swimming pool, playing ground, and fitness center. In addition, the situation of bustling flat cause they often meet each other. In my opinion, if some people meet every day, it is likely they will interact. For example, they can meet in the elevator, parking lot or in front of their house.

However, live in the housing is better than living in the condominium, because the interaction with the houses' people is more active than in the flat. The activity such as community work give chance to the people for knowing each other. In addition, the inhabitant always celebrate annual celebration together with their neighbors, then organize some competitions to enliven the celebration. For instance, when people of Indonesia celebrate their independence day, they always jazz up the day by creating some contests. For example, basketball competition, football competition, and singing competition. They mingle each other so they never feel alone.

To conclude, live in the housing provide a chance to every inhabitant to interact one another. In contrast to live in the apartment, they never have a big chance to knowing each other thanks to his business.

Dear Clark,
I suggest that you use more transitional phrases such as: First and foremost, furthermore, what is more, second of all, by way of conclusion, therefore, hence,...

Moreover, you should state your ideas in the introduction and convey your idea more explicitly in the body part.
Best regard,
Ryan

Muflih, you are contradicting yourself in your statements. In your introduction, you indicate that you believe that people living in high rise apartments are lonely. Though you do not expressly explain why in that paragraph, I took it to mean that you would be defending that stance in your succeeding paragraph discussions. Somehow, you managed to change your opinion from the time to composed your introduction to the time that you wrote your first paragraph body.

In the body of your essay, you directly contradicted your stand when you said that the people who live in high rise apartments are not lonely because of the entertainment and socializing facilities provided by management. So which is your real stand? Is it that people in high rise apartments are not lonely? If that is so then you need to revise your opening statement to reflect that.

I find that when writing this type of compare and contrast essay, it is always best to make a list of the pros and cons of each argument. If I can see a complete listing of the good and bad, then I will be able to better develop and support my argument. I will be making an informed argument rather than just typing the words that first come into my mind. It is hard to consider the pros and cons if you do not first analyze the requirements of the prompt. So make sure that you understand the prompt, and that you have a clear idea of the argument you want to present before you present it in its final form for review.

While there are grammatical errors in this essay that should be addressed, I cannot do so because of your conflicting claims. Resolve the conflict first and then we can look at improving the grammar of the essay :-)