Who loves his boss? Relationships level at work - IELTS - Writing Task 1

The chats below show the results of surveys in 2005 and 2009 asking workers about their relationships with their supervisors and their co-workers.

A breakdown of the social interaction between employees and either supervisors or teams in several categories between 2005 and 2009 is depicted in the pie charts. Overall, it can be seen that, there was a slightly change in the proportion of labor's relationships over a 4-year period.

According to the data, the number of workers with very good relations to supervisor increased from 61 percent to 65 percent during period. In contrast, the figure for good and fair category declined by 4 percent and 2 percent respectively. There was also a very small number, less than five percent, for both poor and no supervisor levels in such years.

There was a similar pattern in the level of relationships among workers during the time frame. After experienced a rise of 7 percent in four years, the figure for very good peaked at 70 percent. However, other levels such as good and fair dropped to 25 percent and 3 percent. While, the rest of categories, poor and no co-workers, witnessed a similar percentage, at 1 percent and 2 percent.

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Hi Nurul,

1st paragraph:
- ..there was a slightlyslight change in the proportion of ...

2nd paragraph:
- ...increased from 61 percent to 65 percent during period.(during WHAT period? unclear)
- In contrast, the figure for good and fair category declined... (in what year? another unclear information)
- ............ for both poor and no supervisor levels in such years.(what year? I didn't see any years since the beginning of the paragraph)

At first, I thought your writing is getting better but I've just realized that some IMPORTANT points related to the data that you've missed has ruined the whole essay. This is not a good habit at all. If the picture has a clear data about time (year), you HAVE TO describe it clearly not only in the first paragraph, but also in the entire essay, especially when it comes to the most noticeable differences or stages. Remember, "NO DATA to support the description" is one of the criteria that makes your band score can only reach 5.0. I hope to see more improvements from the next practice. Good luck :)