IELTS Writing Task 1 - Main reasons for teenagers in an African country using their phone 2016-2019

The chart shows the results of surveys in one African country asking teenagers the main reasons for using their phones between 2016 and 2019.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

My answer:

The pie charts illustrate what cell phones was used for among young people in a country located in Africa from 2016 to 2019.

It is noticeable from the charts that African teenagers tended to use their phones most for accessing social networks while making phone call function was concerned least throughout the period.

Regarding data during the period, social networks was most commonly used by African teenagers, which accounted for an average of 50% each year. Meanwhile, making phone calls remained least using from year to year, and this function even made up just 5% in total purposes of using phones in 2019.

From 2016 to 2019, the number of African teenagers using phones for sending email experienced a slight drop, from 25% at the beginning to 19% at the end. By contrast, there were yearly more people using phones because of its digital camera. The percentage of people using camera phone started to increase gradually from 15% in 2016 to 20% in 2019.

Please help me check the writing and give me a mark if it is possible.
Thank you

• 
  Picture1.jpg
  

The essay is not very clear to the reader. You need to identify the number of pie charts in relation to the years indicated. Aside from that, you should also consider how the comparisons for the essay should be done. This is a 4 image presentation so side by side comparisons of paired up years need to be used in the analysis. Without that type of analysis, the presentation tends to be scattered and not effective in terms of logical discussion. The information presented is going to receive a score. It may even be a passing one. I have to say though, that with a little more effort when it comes to the formatting of the presentation, the essay would have gotten an even better score.

I think you should write more about the largest reason why teens use their phones rather than just a sentence mentioned it. However, I've learnt a lot from yours!

@Holt
Thank you for your advice