Unanswered [0] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

Writing task 2- Should the media limit bad news?

Hammy 13 / 35  
Apr 18, 2019   #1

too much of negative news

Nowadays, when the world is developing rapidly with high technologies and convenient media means, it's impossible to avoid all of negative information which happens around our life. In my opinion, it is unnecessary to minimize them or worry about their influences to people's activities.

Firstly, bad news is edited by journalists and editors with an aim to reflect social reality. Once the people know the reverse of society, it seems to be a nudge to adjust their manners and simultaneously prevent negative ideals from extremists in time. For example, the news about American parents used their money to lift their children's college test scores is likely to ring a belt for American education as an evil need to be considered. Moreover, through this kind of news, the people know how to sympathize more. In shootings in New Zealand Christchurch- a bloody event, millions people in the world pray together.

Secondly, the people with sufficiency of metal knowledge can take responsibility for their decisions. There is millions of news posted in a day, some are good, some are bad. The people approach all of them to have objective visions and even preparation for themselves. Let's think about how efficient nuclear power is but radioactive leak in Japan in 2011 warned unimaginable disadvantages to other countries. Or sometimes, we can see on TV that there is a few robbers in banks, gold shops,... that makes the masters equip more modern technologies for protecting.

In conclusion, appearance of bad news should not be limited on purpose, neither have negative impacts to people's activities.

Thanks for reading, please give me some comments that help me have a better score.
Maria - / 1,098 389  
Apr 18, 2019   #2
Let's divide this feedback into two portions: technicalities and content-wise.

Regarding the technical composition of your text, I would suggest that you try to simplify your language and utterances to make sure that your delivery is smooth. You have a tendency to create complicated sentences; and while these are generally alright and acceptable, it is best to evade them when you're partaking in tests. If you cannot, try to at least keep it minimal.

Let's take a look at your introduction sentence. It's quite dragging how the first sentence tries to encompass a multitude of thoughts when it can be rewritten as something simpler.

I would revise it as:
The world nowadays is rapidly developing, causing the emergence of technological conventions in media. This has made it impossible to avoid the consumption of negative news.

Notice how I had split it into two portions. This will make sure that I first put on the table the general idea behind the essay; and then afterwards, I had uttered what is wrong with it. This is a logical structure that is easier to follow than condensing all data into one chunk of a sentence. I recommend following a similar pattern.

In terms of content, while I appreciate your usage of examples to have more clarity and substance to your points, I also suggest that you try to expound more about the general idea. You can just give a brief example while still being able to pay attention to what you truly want to say.

For instance, in your second paragraph, it's quite unclear what you mean by how journalists and editors run their compositions for news. Do you mean that they only write to showcase what is truly going on in society?

You have to be more concise with your usage of words.

You should also expound your conclusion a little bit more. Once you condense your thoughts and eliminate unnecessary examples in your essay, you will be able to have more space to create a brief summation of what you want to tell the people regarding the limitations of negative news.

Best of luck.
Spring2019 - / 2  
Apr 19, 2019   #3
@ Hammy
I like your point of view about negative news in media.
In term of idea, you might consider a view that bad news also has advance in urgent case such as warning natural disasters, immediate evacuation. Media is a best way to spread quickly and widely warning news to people and draw public attention for emergency situations.

Good lucks.
OP Hammy 13 / 35  
Apr 20, 2019   #4
thank you so much for your detailed comments.
i'm trying to keep not creating complicated sentences... you also told me to do this many times
i'll try better in the next essay
yes! i intended to add the cases in my essay but there were many selections to give an example, which made me confused.
btw, thanks a lot

Home / Writing Feedback / Writing task 2- Should the media limit bad news?