First of all I would like thank everybody for his valuable comments. I am preparing myself for the IELTS and aiming for band 7.is that can consider as band 7
Some of the methods used in advertising are unethical and unacceptable in today`s society. To what extent do you agree with this view?
Have you decided what you will eat or wear yet? Or even where will you go at the weekend? Do not worry we will decide for you, also we will limit your chooses so, you almost forced to pick up us. This is what advertising made by us today. They are surrounding us in every corner. And I totally agree that this way of advertising is unacceptable and unethical. [....]
Well .... I did suggest you to follow a structure in one of my previous comments. It is this Hook, Background and your opinion on the argument. What you have written above is not well aligned with this structure. Hope you follow the one I suggested because it can earn you marks :)
Candidates will not score high with the hooks Dumi. I would suggest you to go through the IELTS writing criteria. Copy pasting the same thing (hooks) will not help students.
Intro: Rephrase the question and specific opinion
Body -1st reason to agree or disagree for 'Some of the methods used in advertising are unethical and unacceptable in today`s society' +explanation
Body-2nd reason to agree or disagree for 'Some of the methods used in advertising are unethical and unacceptable in today`s society' +explanation
conclusion : agree or disagree
OR
Body -1 = Agree
Body 2= Disagree
Conclusion: partially Agree or both are important or Can't judge it.
Several errors plagued this essay such as:
1, Appropriate style and tone ( using 'you'/personal pronouns unnecessarily --- this is a discursive essay.)
2, Topic sentences are not always clear
3, Supporting ideas are weak and minimal
4, Needs to learn how to contrast the ideas or challenge the opinions
5, Not a clear opinion given in the conclusion
I will cross the mistakes because I have no time to correct this right now.
Have you decided what you will eat or wear yet? Or even where will you go at the weekend? Do not worry we will decide for you, also we will limit your chooses so, you almost forced to pick up us. ( inappropriate tone for a discursive essay) This is what advertising made by us today. They are surrounding us in every corner. And I totally agree that this way of advertising is unacceptable and unethical (copied from the prompt).
To begin with, all around the globe, businesses have found themselves in a tremendous challenge as there is a vast increase in competitors every day ( not a clear topic sentence). Therefore, to sell their product they need a huge and unusual advertising campaign. For that reason they may use T.V, radio, street signs and even the mobile SMS. You will find them everywhere. And they do not mind to break you privacy .they want you to see their product, this only what they care for. ( this doesn't mean unethical or unacceptable-- this is a weak response as there is no cogent or convincing reasons or explanations.If I find them everywhere, it doesn't mean it is good or bad).
In addition to that, in the past the advertising was aiming to show the product or the service features .however, nowadays, the purpose of advertising is exceeding that limit. And I can argue ( redundant) that advertising agencies and businesses attempt to tailor-made our preferences and taste through advertising to suit their products or services and this undoubtedly unaccepted.( why it is unaccepted? There is no logical progression-- avoid writing nonsense. You may say ' the quality is too bad but they lie on their ads via mass media... explain... so it is irrational.)
Furthermore, in their way to attract all people ( people's/possessive) attention to their advertising, they may use improper ways. For example , sexual scenes. Such scenes really get on parents nerve as it is not suitable for their children and it is in everywhere so, ( comma should be before the coordinator SO) it is hard to block it away from children. Also we can consider those scenes as women abuse. ( This point doesn't show clearly how it is unacceptable. You should have clearly mentioned it is not acceptable in certain countries to show nudity and so on. It is not the same in the western world. By the way, 'children watching these ads' have nothing to do with acceptable way of advertising because the point is people buy goods because of those ads. So your response should be in relation to ' purchasing trend' not ' children watching it or not'. You may say ' children are so vulnerable and they force their parents to buy unwanted items and so on).
In conclusion, advertising is serving a useful purpose as they help businesses to sell their products. But in the same time, over advertising and use unethical ways is unacceptable. And I urge the governments to enforce the law in this area.
Conclusion failed to summarise the reasons and your reasons are invalid to get a 7 band. You need to work on task response and coherence to reach at 7 band.