Over the past century, the average of lifespan has more than doubled. In contrast, another statistic shows the comparison of the childhood death rate in 1960 and 2004. In 1960, 110 million children were born and 20 million of those died before the age five. Meanwhile in 2004, 135 million children were born and less than 10 million of them also died before they reach 5 year old. The causes of these death, mostly, are Diarrhoea, Pneumonia and Malaria.
Over 200 million people are suffering from Malaria, the disease caused by mosquitos, at any one time. To get rid of this disease involves many things. It involves communicators, social scientists, drug companies and rich-world governments so that we will be able to eradicate malaria. Having those elements is hard, there are another way to eradicate the diseases. Educating teacher with a good education and improve teacher some skills and these two things can make differences for millions of lives, if people get it right.
In brief, taking brilliant people to study these things and getting other people involved, the solutions will come up.
Hi there...
Your writing is good but I have some correction to make it better..
lifespan has more than doubled
the age {of } five
mostly, are{were} Diarrhoe
this disease involves many things. It involves {such as } communicators
Hello i have some suggestion for you
1) INRODUCTION : Where is your introduction? You just mention this :
Over the past century, the average of lifespan has more than doubled. In contrast, another statistic shows ...
... before they reach 5 year5 years old.
... mostly, arewereDiarrhoeaDiarrhea , Pneumonia and Malaria.
You must explain what kind of problem that you will explain on your essay. People will be confused when reading your essay because you directly start with average live span, and followed by some data. People actually will ask , what your explanation refer to ? What the topic of your essay???
2) 5 years old ---> plural, more than one
3) typo ---> Diarrhea
4) were not are ---> past time
Hello inda18.
actually, your essay has interesting topic. but let me give you some suggestions:
1. don't forget put comma when you use conjunction
e.g.: Meanwhile, in 2004, 135 million children ...
e.g.: It involves (...) drug companies, and rich-world governments, so that we will ...
2. to write a range of years you can use some examples (between.......and........./ from......to........./ in .......until.......)
e.g.:In contrast, (...) of the childhood death rate between 1960 and 2004
3. ... died before they reach 5 year old
in writing the age you can use these forms:
[the age of .....]
[aged..............]
e.g.: ... died before they aged five year old
i hope it will be useful. good luck.
