IELTS - Writing t2 - Mobile telephones have brought many benefits but they have also had negatives

Hi everybody, I am going to take the IELTS exam this summer. Please help me to review my essay and give me your opinions.
Thank you so much.

Mobile telephones have brought many benefits but they have also had negative effects.
Do the disadvantages of having mobile phones outweigh the advantages?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.
You should write at least 250 words.

Owning a mobile phone. What does that mean today?

Nowadays, the development of mobile telephones gives people many advantages. However, there are a lot of disadvantages brought when people use mobile phones. In this essay, I am going to examine this question from both points of view and then give my opinion on the matter.

On the one hand, there are several positive effects on using mobile phones. Firstly, the cutting-edge technology like mobile phones can offer opportunities for people to be better educated. This is because that people are able to study online subjects on websites in their domestic or another country. Besides, documents can be found easily through the mobile phone connected the Internet. Secondly, some functions on mobile phones can assist people to relax. People can listen to music or watch videos whenever they desire.

On the other hand, this idea has a few fundamental drawbacks. One problem is that the concentration can be decreased. For example, the person who is working or studying cannot focus on what he is doing if his phone bell ring many times. Another issue is that having mobile phones can make people lonelier. This is due to that most people contact with each other through their phone. Hence, the face-to-face communication is not usually used. In addition to this, many children and teenagers who are addicted game online stay at their home regularly instead of meeting or going out with their friends.

In conclusion, having mobile phones does not only bring convenience but also negative influences. Overall, I believe that there is a balance in benefits and drawbacks when people use mobile phones.

263 words

Phuong, sorry to say that your essay still cannot reach 6 or above due to lack of overall progression. The introduction paragraph is one of the most crucial parts in IELTS writing, particularly task 2. Let me help you by giving an example of a strong and well-developed introduction paragraph.

Instead of writing this one:
Nowadays, the development of [...] then give my opinion on the matter.

It is better to write like this:
These days, some people think that mobile phones bring many advantages while others believe that it has negative impacts as well. It is argued that the merits of this outweigh the drawbacks. This essay will first demonstrate the benefits of how mobile phones can educate people and make them relax, followed by an analysis of how the primary disadvantage, namely distracting humans' concentration, is not valid.

The point is, you have to state the general ideas that you are going to elaborate in the essay since the very beginning part of your essay. This is one of the criteria that you have to pass if you want to reach band 6 or above.

Phuong, do you see the reason that you gave in the conclusion of your essay? You should not have wasted that statement by placing it there. It was very strong and impressive so it could have helped you increase your task accuracy score had you integrated that statement in your opening statement. In addition to that, the essay is asking you to consider mobile phone usage of people with regards to its positive and negative effects. However, you discussed the use of the mobile phone, not as a communication device, which is its primary use, but as a tablet or laptop computer. Which is more geared towards the social media setting. While mobile phones do help people use the internet, that is not the primary use of the phone. So your argument becomes clouded with doubt as it refers to social media usage instead of basic communication use. The next paragraph changed focus instead of continuing the discussion based on the previous examples given. So the essay loses focus and totally deviates from the prompt requirement. I doubt that you would score higher than a 3 in this instance.