IELTS Writing Task 2 - Should museum ask for entrance fee?

Prompt:

Many museums charge for admission while others are free.

Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages?

My answer:
In many countries, payment of entrance fee is a requisite for admission to museums. As a history fanatic, I suppose this place is for cultural and historical education. Therefore, I believe that asking for a charge here could bring more harm than good.

Understandably, museums need financial support to be fully operational. Businesses usually acknowledge that without a sufficient fund, they would not be able to pay for the renovation, preservation of expensive artefacts or just the employees working there. It is also true that many a time visitors come in groups, they tend to make noise, which can be disruptive to others inside. Because of this, a substantial amount of available budget might be shared for security services, and admission fee might supply that sum of money.

However, this should not be prioritized over the importance that museum attaches to the society. Firstly, it could be discouraging for low-income families to pay the required fee for entrance, and their children might not have access to witnessing history at hand, which might have helped for their education. This further raises the issue related to educational inequality. Moreover, it should be realized that taxpayers money can also suffice for the operation of museums. Later on, this amount can allow businesses to afford and enhance their security services, thus render museums more attractive and pleasing to visitors.

In conclusion, I am convinced that charging for entry to museum is more detrimental than beneficial. In other words, if admission is free of charge, it could somehow bridge the educational disparity. Even though museums might be cut off from a source of financial assistance, they can ask for funding from taxpayers and therefore, use it wisely to attract more visitors.

Never use words of uncertainty in a Task 2 test. The essay is calling for a precise description of your opinion on the topic. A precise opinion is what will bring clarity and coherence to your discussion. You cannot be on the fence about the discussion. Make a decision and stick to it. Support your decision in the reasoning paragraphs. Don't try to stay in the middle aisle. You have to be clear from the get go. Do you suppose or are you certain? Make a decision and clearly state it in the response to the question. Assumptions and suppositions have no place in this task discussion.

Use the 2 reasoning paragraphs to support only one side. Do not do a comparison essay where it is not indicated that you have to do so. Remember, you are scored on the cohesiveness of your presentation. Therefore, the 2 reasoning paragraphs need to be connected to your original opinion. It cannot be cohesive if it tries to represent 2 different discussion points. It can be coherent, if you clearly explain yourself in the paragraphs, but definitely not cohesive because the relationship between the two discussion points are on opposite ends. The discussion has to take only one side of the discussion and stick to it with a clear, strong, and valid supporting argument.

You cannot say "I supposed" somewhere at the start then say "I am convinced" at the end of the same paragraph. That creates a lack of clarity in your discussion and strength of your opinions. You changed direction mid-discussion. Also, do not start a reasoning countdown (firstly), then not go on with it. There is never a reason to count down in your presentation. Only reasons are important and the explanation, even more important.

"In conclusion" is a memorized phrase. Try to change it. You need to show the examiner that you have a varied vocabulary that can help you summarize the discussion points. You could say "To wrap up the discussion", "All things considered", "The justification of the discussion is", or other similar concluding kick-off phrases.