Many museums charge for admission while others are free.
Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the
disadvantages?
My essay:
There is a fact that lots of museums charge a fee whilst others do not. This essay shows the author's point of view that the drawbacks of charging prevail over its benefits.
Truly, a museum is one of the main social infrastructures for the community since it is a unique place that attracts both locals and international tourists alike to go on weekends for vacation, leisure, travel, and study purposes. Therefore, the government needs to be responsible for funding its activities. In addition, the current average price for the entrance fee that is about 30 USD is so high that children or families which do not earn much simply can not afford such amount.
The opposing view that like all other building, they need money to maintain their performance and to prevent someone from entering with ill intentions, so, charging visitors is necessary as it is clearly a direct and fastest way to do this. I disagree with that view because museums can be operated based on supply from the national budget or can use the revenue generated from rental stores inside it to reduce ticket prices and security issues can be solved by high technology measures. For example, Independence Palace, a landmark building in Saigon today serving as a museum, houses many service stall inside such as cafeteria, fast food, souvenir shop, monographs, and so on, besides, the building management board also install cameras everywhere from the interior to exterior in order to monitor and prevent valuable property theft activities. Above all, museums should be open to everyone.
(259 words)
@phong3baotap
Remember a simple thing like this.
The examiner will always consider your 1st sentence of the topic as topic sentence. Therefore, it should always be clear. And take your 1st body paragraph as an example, you've failed in this category. Firstly, it's too long for a topic sentence. Secondly, it does not generalize the idea of the passage but act as a developing idea sentence.
The same goes with your second body paragraph. Moreover, in this paragraph, you seem to have opened a new argument when mentioning that view. I personally can see your point of view but I can't assure every one will accept this argument structure. It's just neither the safest way nor the best way. If you want to make your discussion in this paragraph relevant, you have to figure out your ways by adding more sentences to bond those 2 body paragraph. Or else, this is just a "slip off the cliff".
What is more: the conclusion. You've focused on too many things else without maintaining a simple task 2 structure. This would definitely make your TA and overall score very low.
In summary, you've missed the limit of the prompt and your argument. The same goes with your essay structure.
If you want a higher writing score, you should also pay attention more to your grammar. I'd like to focus on your third paragraph and show you some of the common mistakes you have made.
In this opening sentence of the 3rd paragraph, you made a grammar error by forgetting the verb "to be." The sentence should be corrected in to "The opposing view IS that, like ...
Another thing is not to list too many examples in a sentence. By "too many," I mean more than 4. Listing too many examples would make your sentence too wordy and without a point.
I hope my suggestions can help you.
@taeyonieee
@SillyFox
thank you!