006: If you could change one thing about your hometown, what would it be?
My hometown is one of the most beautiful city in the world with the kindest people I have ever met. However, nothing in this world is ideal, and my city is not exceptional. There are couples of thing that they bothered me last time I visit it, but none of them was as irritable as its internet speed.
Nowadays, information is power and time is gold indeed! If anybody in my city wants to do something that everybody gets benefit from it, he should defiantly work on improving internet speed. Last summer, I was in my hometown for visit and I had to pick some courses for the fowling semester. The internet speed was so slow that I could not even open the school main web page. As I mentioned before, access to the information nowadays is the key. How can anybody expect to have anything to say in future if he has not have access to information in the fastest way as possible.
All in all, nothing in my home town buttered me as much as internet speed did. If I have power to fix only one problem from my hometown it defiantly would be internet speed.
Ashkan, I think that your statement and the whole content of your essay is contradictory. This is because you did explain about "couples of things" but the fact you only mentioned one particular thing that makes you sad / unsatisfied. Thus, it might hamper the final grading of your essay itself. This means your idea is not that consistent.
Moreover, I reckon that you also need to pick appropriate words to be used in this essay. Some words did not collocate properly. For example, when you say "time is gold" it wasn't collocated well. Time is indeed precious but not as precious as gold. You can say "precious time" instead of "time is gold". Then, when you say that you "visit" your hometown, I think is quite odd if you take a closer look on the meaning. You are not supposed to visit your hometown , but you are supposed to go home / come home to your hometown . "Visit" is the appropriate verb when you try to visit other places/towns but your hometown.
You are suggested to share the words limit to the reader. This would help us to check whether your essay has already fulfilled the minimum words count or not. Do not hesitate to ask if you need further assistance. You can upload the revision below my message. Good luck for that :)
Take a look on the structure. Before you make an essay, you should make the structure firm. After you explain how bad the internet is, you should explain how you would make the internet speed better.
Be careful of the proposition & the grammar also. e.g. couple of thing should be a couple of things. for visit - for a visit
And the spelling: fowling - following
@Ashkan123
To be academic some higher level vocabulary and their collocation are necessary placed in your eassay,
However, to do so, is not hard to find sources online like dictionary
and please note that any time you get through any new vocab, you must broaden its collocation to sound more like a native user, and better learn a synonym, as well.
In the first paragraph
There are some patterns that have not met a general introduction essay writing,
Your thesis statement outline about physical appearance of your hometown (beautiful landscape and surrounding, I guess). the TASK ask you a question that only one thing to be addressed ,and you have come in a right path to write what things (as you mentioned, I as well as the reviewers may think that you would come up with a infrastructure or other public surroundings, in contrast, you did not write it). As you put an emphasis on the internet speed is your most dissatisfied issue, since you have referred for your neighborhood. Your first obvious things to describe for your hometown is better to be public utilities and facilities that an authority has provided for community. Then you can claim that within several inconveniences from your point of view, what is the one thing that has caused you to think that it must be urgently changed.
Subsequently, In the first body paragraph, you shall create a topic sentence directly to your one undesired thing (what) and it might be better to link that others in your hometown also agree with your opinion (but do not go too far). And you have to write why you think this is the one thing you would like to change, and give some examples to support your idea just 2 - 3 good ones.
the next paragraph may give readers your solution for it.
For the closed paragraph you just restate your story again, remember that do not repeat to what you have just mention, close your essay nicely by folding your idea together in different way.
Here are just some vocabs you can replace.
... with the kindest people I have ever met. However, nothing in this world is ideal, and ...
There are couples of thing that ...
... with the kindest residents/citizens I have experienced with. However, some facilities fora public ...
... to make an access online , it is the internet speed.
Hello , i will give suggestion
Actually, your essay is good enough, but it will good if you divide into several paragraph
1. Introduction: explain about your home town
2. Body 1: The weakness of your home town, what do you want ti change, reason, example, result
3. Body 2: How you make it real
4. Conclusion
be careful with your spelling
Hello this is my correction for you.
There is a couple who bothered me last time I visit it, but ...
... is power and timebecome a importance . If anybody in my city want to do something who everybody will get benefit from it, he should defiantly work toimprove internet speed.
