IELTS WRITING TASK 1: the number of silk workforce in England and Wales between 1851 and 1901.

silk workforce level over 100 years ago

Topic: the table shows the number of employees and factories producing silk in England and Wales between 1851 and 1901. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

Link table: drive.google.com/file/d/1bN1Kakm812OcI3ntl5QQlne_RNQC5d_M/view?usp=sharing

Answer
The given table indicates information about how many workers and silk manufacturing factories in England and Wales from 1851 to 1901. Overall, there was a sharp decrease in the number of silk employers of two countries over the period and it can be seen from the table that more women were employed than men in this industry. Likewise, in spite of some small fluctuations, the figures for silk's factories increased over the 50 year period.

With respect to the table, in 1851, the silk workforce accounted for the highest amount of employees with 137,500, including 76,786 female and 53,964 male. By contrast, the figures for silk factories was lowest, at only 272. However, after a decade, the number of silk manufacture factories experienced a tripled grow, surged to 761, while there was a substantial decline of over than 20000 people in total workers.

Over the followings 40 years, the total number of male and female employed in silk industry of England and Wales witnessed an enormous fall, plummeted to 13375 and 25567, respectively. Meanwhile, the number of silk factories in these 2 countries declined over 40 years, falling to 623 at the end of the period.

Wordcount: 196

Hello,
Please help me to mark my essay and give me some feedback with a band score.
Thank you so much ^^

I found a grammatical mistake from your graph:
1: line 1, 3rd paragraph: ..employed in the silk industry of...

@chickenbound
Hi there!

First and foremost, please do optimize your essay. I have told this to quite a number of people on the forum already, but make certain that you omit words that you can omit. Doing this will save you space to actually have fruitful discussions on ideas that truly need to be discussed. This, in return, will give more depth to your essay.

While it may feel as though using numerous transition and filler words add complexity to your essay, it's not necessarily applicable across the board. Remember that you should be writing with the intent of having more direction to your content. This means that you can incorporate other techniques in writing that'll help you determine what words to use - and what words you can avoid.

In terms of your interpretation of the data, I would only suggest trying to focus more on the analysis rather than simply describing. What you may also do is do both the analytical and descriptive parts of the essay, enabling you to have more dynamism in your writing. What I have noticed is that you had a vacuum of analysis in the initial parts, however you lost traction of maintaining it on the latter portions.

Let me try to revise the first parts of the essay for you.

The given table indicates information about how many the number of workers and silk ... Overall, there was a sharp decrease ... employers of two countries over the period; and it can be seen from the table that more women ... Likewise, i In spite of ..., the figures for silk's of factories increased over the 50 year period.

Best of luck in your writing.

@Taylor 098
thank you ^^
@Maria
Thank you so much for giving me your detail feed back, I really appreciate it, can you give me a band score?