IELTS Task 2: A Number Of Young People Are Unhealthful To Undergo Their Way that They Live

Many children these days have unhealthy lifestyle. Both school and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

Nowadays, a number of young people are unhealthful to undergo their way that they live. These are maybe as there are lots of innutrition foods like fast food consumed in large number. I argue that the schools have obligations to teach children to do right actions for their health whereas the parents have to prepare and control their meal in home or school.

Children and teenagers need to be led to experience their life included how to become fit persons. When they are in surroundings of schools, teachers must give them information to broaden their horizons and direct them to eat only good foods or do sports, so they are avoided from illnesses. The tutors have to inform enough knowledge such as negative effects when people consume fast foods too much or important benefit when keep body healthily every day.

However, not only the teachers but also the parents have similar responsibility. I believe that parents are the first persons who have the greatest impact for children. There are some ways that can be done by parents with providing freshly and qualify home foods like vegetables as well as fruits. Mothers should prepare children meal for their diets or beverages and ensure the food come or bought from trusted place. In addition, they have to cook in the right way, so the nutrition does not lose. Parents also should always control, suggest, and remind the children to apply healthy lifestyle because children do not have many concerns about these yet.

To sum up, parents and schoolteachers have to collaborate to support their children undergoing happy and healthy lifestyle. The controlling should be in school and home so that young generations realize that this is very essential.

Prompt: Many children these days have unhealthy lifestyle. Both school and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

Your response: You agree completely that both school and parents are responsible for solving this problem.

My comments regarding your essay as a whole : The task of this essay is to response to what extent you agree with this statement. However, your response is purely on one side. My suggestion is to check the example. I find the essay structure provided in ieltsbuddy/ielts-sample-essay.html looks reasonable.

My comments regarding your grammar is as follows:

Nowadays, a number of young people are unhealthful to undergo their unhealthy lifestylethat they live . These are maybe as there are lots of innutrition foods like fast food consumed in large number . I arguebelieve that the schools have obligations to teach children to do right actions for their health whereas the parents have to prepare and control their meal in home or school.

Problem no.1 the definition of unhealthful is harmful. People are not harmful, but their lifestyles are not healthy.
Problem no.2 in large number is redundant to lots of.
Problem no.3 'argue' may be used to show that your side is against the other side. For this one, I am not sure and that is why it is put in green, but I would rather use 'believe' to support my statement.

Children and teenagers need to be led to experience their life included how to become fit persons. When they are in surroundings of schools, teachers must give them information to broaden their horizons and direct them to eat only good foods or do sports, so they are avoided from illnesses . The tutors have to inform enough knowledge such as negative effects when people consume fast foods too much or important benefit when keep body healthily every day.

Problem no.1 Here I give the definition of illnesses in dictionary.reference.com/browse/illness?s=t. I think it is better to change from illness to other word that is related to bad life style such as sedentary.

Problem no.2 I think that it is better to keep using the word 'teacher' rather than 'tutors'. Though a purpose of this writing is to show the varieties and vocabulary, the word 'tutor' should be used for a more specific purpose.

However, not only the teachers but also the parents have similar responsibility. I believe that parents are the first persons who have the greatest impact for children. There are some ways that can be done by parents with providing freshly and qualify home foods like vegetables as well as fruits. Mothers should prepare children meal for their diets or beverages and ensure the food come or bought from trusted place. In addition, they have to cook in the right way, so the nutrition does not lose. Parents also should always control, suggest, and remind the children to apply healthy lifestyle because children do not have many concerns about these yet.

Problem no.1 there is no contradiction here. So 'however' is not necessary.
Problem no.2 ' the first persons who have the greatest impact for children' is a bit redundant
Problem no.3 'There are some ways' is vague. I think I would say 'Parents can help promote healthy lifestyles in many ways; for example, preparing fresh and quality home foods that contains vegetables and fruits'.

To sum up, parents and schoolteachers have to collaborate to support their children undergoing happy and healthy lifestyle. [i]The controlling should be in school and home so that young generations realize that this is very essential.[/i]

Problem no. 1 I think that there is nothing wrong with this sentence grammatically. It is the meaning that you try to convey appears to be very strong. I would rather replace 'the control in school and home ' with 'the support from schools and homes.' However, it depends on what you are trying to say.

Problem no. 2 the word this is vague. Please, be more specific.