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WHY DO YOUNG PEOPLE LIKE TO LIVE IN BIG CITIES? IELTS ESSAY


nguyenthiet1993 8 / 3 5  
Jul 21, 2015   #1
why do young people like to live in big cities! please score my essay
Nowadays, more and more young people are moving to big cities instead of living in countrysides. There are a vast array of reasons to explain this phenomenon, I am of opinion that this new tendency can be explained by some following reasons.

It is true that moving to better places is the best way to over the poverty and improve their career path. It is with the fast development of industrialization and modernization that create countless employment opportunities for society, therefore the young can easily have a good job and make money in cities. In addition, employees living in big cities are always paid a higher wage than who live in countrysides. My friend named Duc Anh is good example for this case, with doing the same workload he is paid 300 dollars in city centre but only 200 dollars in his hometown.

Leaving countrysides and residing in big cities is a nature tendency of youngters'. Undoubtedly, the increase of population density in rural areas can lead to the insufficiency of work offers and the growth of unemployment ratio. In order to address this phenomenon, naturally the youths move to big cities where do have an array of companies and factories, so they will have more chance to possess a good position. For instance, my 18 year old sister have gone to city centre due to the job dearth in my hometown and now she occupies a good vacancy.

juveniles would like to live in big metropolises because they desire to gain real and valuable knowledge about the other cultures. there are various people with many different cultures live in the same city, this opens avenue for learning other cultures. furthermore, quickly the juveniles will find the fast-paced technologies, skyscrapers and cultured lifstyles in cities that help them to think out of the boxs and broaden horizons.

In conclusion, choosing to live in metropolises is the best way for the young to earn a living, over the poverty and obtain real and valuable knowledge about the other cultures. These are the reasons why the significant number of the youths tend to live in big cities.

Michele9 5 / 12 3  
Jul 21, 2015   #2
Rather than saying "over the poverty" you may write "overcome the poverty"

It is with the fast development of industrialization and modernization that creates countless employment opportunities for society

employees living in big cities are always paidalways perceive (or receive) a higher wage than the ones who live in countrysides
try to avoid passive form (are always paid)

My friend named Duc Anh is a good example for this case, withby doing the same workload he is paid earns 300 dollars in city centre but only 200 dollars in his hometown.

I wish I helped you a bit. Good luck!

it's not a hill, it's a mountain when you start out the climb
EF_Carol - / 145 39  
Jul 22, 2015   #3
This is a good essay with alto of potential!

array of reasons...

This thesis sentence needs to list the reasons. That's what they do.
You need to introduce the whole essay by briefly introducing them in the intro.

opportunities for society,therefore...

CORRECTED: opportunities for society. Therefore...

This is a run on sentence. It is way too long! Break it up at therefore, into two. You have many run on sentences in this essay which would be improved by breaking them into two.

Your vocabulary and grammar are good. The essay would be improved by rewriting the thesis sentence, and breaking up long sentences into two. Your intro should introduce all the main ideas from the body paragraphs.

Good luck!

ef _carol


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