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[IELTS TASK 2] old and young workers


SalMon 27 / 113 10  
May 22, 2014   #1
Topic: It has been claimed that workers over 50 are not responsive to rapidly changing ideas in the modern workplace and that for this reason younger workers are to be preferred.

To what extent would you support or reject this idea?

Could you guys rate my essay? Thanks a lot!

Throughout human history, the offspring has always proved its stronger adaptability and advancement than its predecessor. This is still true in the industrial society nowadays, where younger workers are preferably employed and promoted rather than over-50 workers. There are three reasons that can explain their unresponsiveness to the modern workplace.

First and foremost, old workers are not a patch on the younger ones for their unchanged paradigm. The old were raised in poverty, probably caused by war, look at the world from a negative and pessimistic point of view. The misery is so ingrained in their mind that they refuse to change, or more precisely, to accept the existence of such modernity. For example, most would rather choose to piece together parts of a machine than have it done by a robot for their disbelief of its efficiency and safety compared with human's capability.

Secondly, their unresponsiveness can be attributed to their attitude towards life. In other words, that they are aware of their deteriorating health and lack of enthusiasm comes with their taste for monotony and safe ideology. This, by all means, is outweigh by youngsters' adventurousness and bravery. Blatantly seen, success of most companies stems from young people, whose enterprising ideas that catch up with the world is regarded as wind of refreshment.

Last but not least, knowledge is worth mentioning as a key factor to help young workers outrank the elderly. Who would the employer choose, an old man with old-fashioned education and a young man who is not only good at fundermentaly subject, but also knows how to program or how to speak foreign languages. Not to undermine old workers, but their lack of authority over such basically required fields in this day and age leads to their incompetence in every modern workplace.

All in a nutshell, workers over 50 have proven themselves subordinate to the following generation in all aspects. However, in my point of view, it is still of great importance to remain the harmonious coexistence of both sides for the smooth sailing of the company.
tiaDS 73 / 235 52  
May 22, 2014   #2
Hello SalMon, here i wanna share the writing reference which is obtained when i learnt to write an essay.

There are two kinds of essays;
1. Argument essay ; State the writer's opinion at the beginning and supports it with evidence.
2. Discussion essay ; Analyze people opinion and give the writer's opinion at the end.

Your prompt tends to an argument essay. this is the breakdown of argument essay;
1. Introduction paragraph
1.1 background statement
1.2 detailed background statement
1.3 thesis (here we attempt to prove regarding the topic)
1.4 outline sentence

2. Supporting paragraph 1
2.1 topic (subject which supports our thesis)
2.2 example (the evidence of topic)
2.3 discussion statement (link the example to the topic)
2.4 conclusion (link the topic to the thesis)

3. Supporting paragraph 2
3.1 topic (subject which supports our thesis)
3.2 example (the evidence of topic)
3.3 discussion statement (link the example to the topic)
3.4 conclusion (link the topic to the thesis)

4. Conclusion paragraph
4.1 summary (retelling the two supporting topics briefly)
4.2 restatement of thesis
4.3 prediction or recommendation
OP SalMon 27 / 113 10  
May 22, 2014   #3
Thank you tiaDS :)
Do I have to provide only 2 supporting paragraphs when writing an essay? I mean can it be 3 or more?

1. Introduction paragraph
1.1 background statement
1.2 detailed background statement
1.3 thesis (here we attempt to prove regarding the topic)
1.4 outline sentence

I find this quite hard to follow.Can you give me an example to clearify? Thanks a lot!
tiaDS 73 / 235 52  
May 22, 2014   #4
I mean can it be 3 or more?

you can write more than 2 paragraph but it's so rarely, salmon. I just suggest you to write 2 supporting paragraphs, coz we only have 40 minutes to write writing task 2 in the real test. :D
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
May 22, 2014   #5
Can you give me an example to clearify?

Today's modern workplace allows people to work anytime. However, this is not too welcome with employees over age 50. For some people, they think that these workers are not as innovative as the younger ones. Therefore, I too believe that the younger workers give fresh suggestions as to how a company could be run effectively.

I mean can it be 3 or more?

3, 4, 5, or more paragraphs are OK as long as you can beat the time given.

First and foremost,

Last but not least

These can be categorized as memorized phrase(s). You may get penalized when you use them in the real exam.

All in a nutshell,

Well, I prefer using 'in conclusion' instead this phrase, which is categorized as cliche
OP SalMon 27 / 113 10  
May 22, 2014   #6
Thank you tiaDS, I have tried with my next essay. Could you please rate for me this time?
OP SalMon 27 / 113 10  
May 22, 2014   #7
memorized phrase(s)

Thank you eddies. But what do you mean by memorized phrases? I have seen lots of my friend used this phrase in their highly-marked essay. So if not, which else that is attractive can I use?

And thank you for other suggestion. I really appreciate it! Could you please rate my next essay cuz I will try it with all your suggestion.
OP SalMon 27 / 113 10  
May 23, 2014   #8
Thanks dumi :) However, I'm still confused because I thought I followed your instruction quite well didn't I? By the way, isn't it too long to have an opening of 5 sentences?
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
May 23, 2014   #9
Well, let's see what I have to tell about this;

(hook) ... this hook is not so relevant to your prompt. Your prompt is about workers over 50 years old and you talk about the offspring, meaning a person's child or children. Read the description I have provided you on hook in one of your other threads.

This is still true in the industrial society nowadays, where younger workers are preferably employed and promoted rather than over-50 workers.

.... this is your background statement and again it is not adequately explaining the prompt.

There are three reasons that can explain their unresponsiveness to the modern workplace.

... this is not a thesis statement. You are not expressing your opinion.


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