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People are living longer due to medical care - is it a positive trend?

mita23 34 / 37 3  
Feb 9, 2016   #1
One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

Nowadays, everything has changed because of alterations in many sectors, including medical care. The effect of this improvement is that citizens are surviving longer and their quality of life is inclining. In my opinion, this will bring negative and positive effects in same proportion.

With regard to the drawbacks, overpopulation will grow significantly because automatically the number of death decreases as a result of high medical service. In India, for example, the medical technology, which becomes more sophisticated, leads to increase the number of population. Consequently, this phenomenon creates many problems like the adding number of poverty, crime rate, unemployment, conflict in order to get some basic necessities like food, and creating a war. Therefore, it will be worse if this occasion occurs without any solution from government.

The second negative effect of this case is that the number of retirement old people jump. For instance, in some developing countries, which has modern medical care to provide the best service for its people tend to have large number of old woman and man. As a result, the council has many burdens to keep them save by giving them monthly salary of retirement status. This will make the condition of country unstable if government should pay in large amount, so government need to consider this more deeply.

However, people can get many benefits from this phenomenon. Firstly, the level of stress in each person decreases because the illness, which he or she has, can be treated well by using advance medical service. Secondly, people will have high effort to reach some achievement leading to create creativity because they already know that will live longer and stay healthy due to medical treatment.

To sum up, the disadvantages of high quality of medical effect on people are overpopulation and large number of retirement people. Nevertheless, the advantages of this are that people are free from stress and have more endurance to stay alive.

putri22 33 / 33 5  
Feb 9, 2016   #2
-The effect of this improvement is thatrefer to? citizens are surviving longer and their quality of life is inclining.

-as a result of high medical service. high service? maybe you can change into good medical service

overall, i like your writing, but there are some suggestion from me
-i think it will be perfect if you provide the accurate statistic data about India. For example the percentage of increasing of total population there. Also mention the name of the developing country as an example in body paragraph 2.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Feb 9, 2016   #3
Mita, look out for the words that you use. Make sure that you use the proper word to describe what it is that you want to say. For instance, in your opening statement, you said that " their quality of life is inclining". Inclining depicts an upward slant in a graph or bar chart. In terms of describing human life though, the proper term would have been "their quality of life is increasing," Increasing being the term that describes the constantly growing improvements in the life of a person. In order to prove your ability to use more complex English words and create more advanced sentences, you need to make sure that the word references that you use are appropriate for the thought you are creating.

I would like to call your attention to the thesis statement that you created. The prompt is asking you to discuss whether "the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?". Instead, you have presented your opinion as " In my opinion, this will bring negative and positive effects in same proportion." That response does not properly address the prompt question. Compare the question you are being asked to answer and the thesis statement you created at the end of your opening statement. The error on your part is quite obvious.

Therefore, the whole essay is based on the wrong premise and as such, does not pass the requirements that would have gotten your work a passing score should this have been an actual test. Your conclusion proves your mistaken premise and discussion in the essay. It does not contain any reference to your opinion regarding the weight of advantages versus disadvantages.

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