Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4


Online sales in retail sector between 2003 and 2013


Fadhilahumar91 61 / 73 6  
Sep 25, 2016   #1
The pie chart presents about the percentage of e-commerce sales which was sold by retailer between 2003 and 2013 in New Zealand. The most significant fact to emerge that all sectors generally showed fluctuated trend.

The first year, travel sector was the highest in the online sales and it was followed by clothes as the second highest. Obviously, in the ten years period both figures dramatically decreased by 7% in travel and 8% in another. This resulted in the travel sector was the second highest in retailer sales eventually.

In contrast with sales of film/music and books sectors, although such figures were the least in online sales but in the following ten years, they showed an upward trend. From 2003 to 2013, film/music sector sharply increased in it sales from 21% to 33% while another figure presented a gradual incline. The most attractive fact that film/music retailers sold a boom sales and reached a peak in the last period.



Misnariah Idrus 19 / 35 4  
Sep 25, 2016   #2
... the highest in the online sales, and

The first year, travel sector was the highest in the online sales (...) as the second highest.
Highest= repetitive word

Obviously, in the ten years period both figures dramatically
Obviously, in the ten years period, both figures dramatically

This resulted in the travel sector was the second highest in retailer sales eventually.
The word 'this' does not clearly refer to what.

although such figures were the least in online sales but in the following ten years,

film/music sector sharply increased in it sales from
its
akbarmappiare 31 / 468 275  
Sep 26, 2016   #3
Hello Mrs. Dhyllah
Here are my thoughts for yours. check it out

The pie chart presents INFORMATION about the percentage of e-commerce sales which was sold by retailer between 2003 and 2013

The most significant fact to emerge that all sectors generally showed fluctuated trend.

It actually did not describe as the fluctuation trend. Be careful to decide the condition of the figure. Your score can fall down if it does not give description appropriately. I offer an alternative overview.

OVERALL, IT CAN BE SEEN THAT THE MOST SIGNIFICANT IN THE ONLINE SHOPPING IS SHOWED BY THE SECTOR OF FILM AND MUSIC. IN ANY CASE, WHILE THE PERCENTAGES OF BOTH BOOKS AND THE FILM SALES WITNESSED A MARKED INCREASE, THE OTHER SECTORS DECLINED CONSIDERABLY.

You are supposed to remember that each good paragraph has at least 3 sentences. You can separate overview to 2 sentences to comply that.

Turning to the body paragraph, you have not succeeded to cover all of the prompts. Actually, your job in the writing task 1 is to compare the figures. However, you play safely. You only described one by one figure. Well, you can get the point, but the high score will be difficult to be obtained. Make you sure that you can pass that before you upload.

I suggest you read the examples. As many as you read those, you will master this as soon as possible.
Keep Fighting
GOOD LUCK
Ucha MSN 17 / 26 4  
Sep 27, 2016   #4
The pie chart presents IMPARTING KNOWLEDGE about the percentage of ...

... was followed by clothes as the second highestPOSITION.
This resulted in the travel sector was the second highestBECAME THE SECOND POSITION in retailer sales eventually.

In contrast with sales of film/music and books sectors, although such figures , ALTHOUGH THE FIGURES OF FILM/MUSIC AND BOOKSwere the least in online sales, but in the following ten years, they showed an upward trend . THEY SHOWED AN UPWARD TREND IN THE FOLLOWING TEN YEARS.


Home / Writing Feedback / Online sales in retail sector between 2003 and 2013
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳