Unanswered [4] | Urgent [1]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

IELTS task 2 - Parents and Schools are responsible for children's unhealty lifestyle

M3L1 26 / 6 11  
Nov 12, 2015   #1
Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem.

To what extend do you agree with this statement?


Recently, many adolescents have a harmful way of living. Many people consider that education institutions and parents have to involved to find solution for their children. I believe that family reconciling and school's guidance can helped children to have nicer behaviour and altered their lifestyle.

In a few decade, it can be seen that many teenagers had been consumed drugs and entangled in many criminals, such as looted, demeaned and bullied among peers. They dressed up like a gangster member who said bad words and behaved like a thug. They sometimes had drag races in the street that caused accidents and infringements. In addition, children are often experienced violence in their own family, especially from their parents by words or physical. These kind of treats caused children to performed rebellion against their parents. Therefore, parents should treated them as someone important and loved one. Reconciliation is one of the way to healed children's emotions.

However, education institutions also have a big role to developed a good manner and demeanor. There are some subjects that can be taught to students. For example, character building, ethics, and religion. Sometimes these subjects ineffective because the teaching method are bored. Teachers should used an emotional approaching to each student. This can help adolescents to established a strong positive self confidence to create a good value and have a bright future. Furthermore, students with good characters and manners will have many friends and chances to be an achievement student.

To conclude, I agree that parents and schools have the responsibility to help children get a healthy behaviour. Reconciliation among family and a better emotional approached can help them to altered it.
shintacandrade 10 / 74 87  
Nov 13, 2015   #2
1. Well, when I read this hook and compare it to the question, it seems that this sentence tends to out of topic. I know that you are trying to paraphrase the words from the question, but please make sure that the meaning are still in the same tone. My alternative for this hook is like this:

The way children live in this modern era is more likely to be unhealthy.
2. I have to say that your thesis statement did not successfully answer the question.
To what extend do you agree with this statement? >> Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem.

If you, let say, 100% agree with this statement, it means that ONLY schools and parents who are responsible for solving this issue. No one else is responsible. On the other hand, you can say you agree that schools and parents are responsible tackling this problem, but there is possibility that anyone else is also responsible, for example, governments or media. This kind of statement should be provided in your thesis. Let me give a try (totally agree):

Many believe that schools and parents have responsibility in addressing this growing problem. I totally agree with this statement since children spend most their time in both educational institutes and homes in which this situation influences children's lifestyles.

Hope this helps ~ Shinta

Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 - Parents and Schools are responsible for children's unhealty lifestyle
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳