IELTS TASK 2. The parents work to have the better income but do not support children

In today's competitive world, many families find it necessary for both parents go out to work. While some say the children in these families benefit from the additional income, others feel they lack support because of their parents' absence.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give the reason for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

The modern era shows the expensive price in any sector. The married people decides to work hard together and get much money. As such, it is true that the children more happy can buy anything whilst a several statement tells that the kids do not obtain the affection since their parents busy.

It is undeniable that the young children usually get numerous wealth. This circumstance occurred since they want to have the myriad stuff and follow the new trend. A 2015, The web site from theatlantic.com tells that the kids by the richer family have the myriad dream to be real. They enjoy to spending much money without to understand to save it.

The one of the advantage their parents render extra money as the rich family in which the way rejoice in the family to continues life. The different conditions of a quality time with family. The parents fulfilling busy with their job so that they do not care the whole about their children. A 2012, Professor Rohner say, the childhood will be the good and consistent effect on personality development since the bad situation. They consider their parents do not support in their life and just control in the several moment. It has been the kids less love from the family.

To sum up, the one of benefit is children enjoy their life with money although they do not share of the part with their parents since the both of them full work in out home. I believe that the married people concern to work however still to focus and keep communication with their sons

The modern era shows the expensive price [...] do not obtain the affection since their parents busy. that sentence is pretty confusing I guess

albeit personal statement in not a compulsory or optional in intro, it is necessary to put since it can describe your writing overall

please check your paragraph below :

Consequently (it is better to use transition word to link your statement with the previous sentence) They enjoy to spending much money without to understand to save it. (After that, it is important to conclude your statement in order to emphasise your idea).My suggestion to conclude-->> Hence, it is shown that the prosperity from their parents can result joyful for children.

I am a little confused by the supporting paragraphs that you provide, because there was no linear path of a thesis statment with the result. In addition, supporting research that you entered did not support at all why children need to be fulfilled welfare.

in additional I try to paraphrase your second paragraph:

It is undeniable that the young children usually get ...

Children are obliged to fulfill their needs for a more prosperous. This because children need financial support to complete their material needs such as myriad stuff and follow the new trend. The theatlantic.com in 2015 stated that children from wealthy families showed better levels of happiness. This shows that money is an important factor for the happiness of children.

This circumstance occurred since they want to ...
some young children who lives in a wealthy family obtain the various facilities provided by their parents. This circumstance allows them to have a myriad of stuff and follow the novel trend. A 2015, The web site from the atlantic.com tells ... AS A RESULT,They enjoy to spending much money ... they just get used to spending a great deal of money without understanding the importance of saving for their future.

Let me give you some suggestions, I hope they are overly helpful for you:
1. Commonly, body on paragraph 2 and 3, you have to insert
a. Main idea
b. Reason
c. Example
d. Result
e. Conclusion
I suggest you to add conclusion in your body since I dis not find your conclusion
I will make a paraphrase
It is true that the majority of parents provide their children by various wealth. Kids who are more likely to have luxurious things may lead to this atmosphere. An article in Theatlantic website published in 2015 revealed that youths in richer families were able to get their favourite item easily. Mostly children needs a mount of money illogically. So, the kids demands intentionally force parents to work hard.

2. Be careful with the types of Noun singular and plural
For example :


It is incorrect logically, maybe it can be changed into the one of benefits
N singular of N plural
3. It is imperative that you have to use tenses correctly
For example :


It means the event happen in the past so you have to use past tense.
I will make a paraphrase
Professor Rohner, in 2012, said that personality involvement and atmosphere influenced the childhood.

Hi Dina, I would like to share some corrections regarding your essay and I'll try my best on it.

In today's competitive world, many families find it necessary for both parents go out to work. While some say the children in these families benefit from the additional income, others feel they lack support because of their parents' absence.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give the reason for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

In my opinion, it would be better if you write
high price
......decide

In these days and ages, a huge number of families considered working for both parents is required. Some people argued that the extra income will benefit the children in those families while, without a doubt, I truly believe that the children will obtain less support thanks to their parents' absence for several reasons.