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I partly agree that children should always follow their parents' counsels

tatthang98 1 / 1  
Dec 27, 2017   #1

parents' commandments for kids

Please give me advices on this essay.
When it comes to the relationship between children and parents , some argue that children should always follow their parents'counsels. In my perspective, I partly agree with this idea.

To begin with, children need to obey their parents' commandments especially young children. The reason is parents are more mature and have more experiences in life so that they can teach their children to do good things as well as abstain from bad ones. Moreover, parents are the ones who always want the best things to come to their beloved kids. So their advices are extremely reliable.

I agree that children need to obey their parents' counsels, but not under all circumstances. Though parents have more experiences in life, there are times when their advices are not proper. Besides, Offspring also need to make decision on their own as well as learn to be responsible for what they do. If children do something themselves and it goes wrong, they can't blame anyone for having messed things up. Hence, they will understand that they have to consider everything carefully before doing anything.

To recapitulate, Obeying parents' commandments is good but children should only take it as a source of references and make their own decisions.
#IELTS #Writing
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,051 4255  
Dec 28, 2017   #2
Tat, while you did a very good job in the 2 body paragraphs that you wrote, your opening paragraph and closing summary are both faulty. These 2 areas did not comply with the minimum 3 sentence requirement for a higher C&C scoring consideration. The maximum sentence number per paragraph is 5. You also require one more line of reasoning in the body paragraphs to complete the 3 reasons requirement. The 5 paragraph presentation is always the best method by which you maximize your scoring potential in the overall considerations. This allows you to make more sentence variations in the complex sentence structure manner as opposed to your simple sentence structure at the moment. Your vocabulary is simple which will not get you a very high LR score but it is enough to help you make sure that people understand what you are trying to say. Here is a word of advice regarding the opening and closing statements, avoid run on sentences by using commas. Instead present complete sentences with a period. That way you meet the minimum sentence requirement every time. Just remember that every sentence in the same paragraph needs to interconnect, use only one reason per paragraph, and try to insert a transition sentence to introduce the next paragraph at the end of the present paragraph whenever possible.
OP tatthang98 1 / 1  
Dec 29, 2017   #3
Thank you very much.
naseernasrati 14 / 33 10  
Dec 29, 2017   #4
first part of your essay is good but i feel a little uncomfortable with your last paragraph
as it is so short
if you write all paragraphs equally according to the length its more interesting for a reviewer
so you can rewrite your conclusion with more sentences.
PeterBrown 16 / 25 6  
Dec 31, 2017   #5
... always follow their parents'counsels.. Space should be present between these two words.

... more mature and have more experiences in life so ...

Since this is an academic essay, you should avoid using words such as have and do. You can say more mature and experienced instead.
...come to their beloved kids , so their advices ...

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